Tag Archives: Wisdom

27

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I haven’t written in forever SORRY. Friday was my birthday and man am I creeping up in age. I get people all the time who are like “you’re ONLY 27”, but they’re just not understanding how I feel about this. I’m 27 and I don’t have much to show for it in my mind.

Yes, I have a gorgeous daughter and a loving boyfriend. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I haven’t died yet. Okay. When I was 16 I had a plan, a check list, an idea of where I would be at the glorious age of 27.

  1. Master’s in Psychology degree achieved, going for my doctorate. I was on the right track at 18 when I was taking SO many units in college and into my early twenties but I WILL finish this dream. Even if I have to attend college while my child is in college.
  2. Buy my own house, without a partner. All by myself. I had a house but I let HIM keep it.
  3. Find the love of my life. Which I did just in the nick of time.
  4. I know this one seems a bit petty but I really wanted to have that cookie cutter marriage and one child. ONE CHILD ACHIEVED AND IT’S AWESOME! But no marriage. Imagine if I would have married him? Ew.
  5. I would have traveled all of Europe and Australia by now.
  6. Attend more than 100 concerts (including festivals).
  7. Experience the Fado houses in Portugal.
  8. Attend a World Cup Match
  9. Start a blog (I did it! Not a successful one, but I wanted to find a healthier outlet)
  10. Be happy. Genuinely happy. You see I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot in my life to be happy about, don’t get me wrong. But there is so much that I need to change to make me genuinely 100% happy. Getting there.

 

The thing about this list is, I was young and stupid. Nothing ever goes as planned in life, and that’s okay as long as you GET IT DONE EVENTUALLY. Real life shit held me back. Not laziness, not a lack of motivation, but situations that I could and could not control. Looking back at this I’m realizing that I gave myself very little time to conquer the world and I’ve been beating myself up for it for years now. I need to cut myself a little slack, but that’s hard to do. I’m absolutely my worst critic and I don’t see that ever changing. Little by little I’m accomplishing these things and my list keeps growing. I AM grateful, I love my life, I LOVE my daughter, I love my partner, I love my true friends, but I’m having a hard time loving myself right now for multiple reasons. It makes things complicated when you don’t fully love yourself, I seriously mean that. I have to get back on track. I used to love myself and along the way I just got lost. Some days are better than others, some days I wake up and think – I wouldn’t want to be anybody else – and other days I just want to tear myself apart. I have to remind myself to be positive. Happy birthday to me and yay for self realization.

I’m at a stand still.

I need to move. Get it going, get it together.

Go.

Self Destruction

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Why are people so self destructive? I don’t mean physically, really, I mean mentally. We often times are the creators of our own drama. So much is created inside of our heads, mostly because we care too much about others and we dwell too much on situations. Every day I come across conversations, people venting about their lives and situations. Too often do I hear women go on and on about a million ways their significant other is probably cheating on them. Too often do hear people talk about how horrible their lives are and how much better things would be if this or that just happened.

I’m guilty of this. My life would be easier if I won the lottery. My life would be easier if my ex would just drop dead. My life would be easier if people would just stop being assholes.

We sit here and are so inside of our heads, we just go on and on until we’ve driven ourselves crazy. Why do we do this? The world is crazy enough without us having to augment issues in our minds. Your boyfriend is cheating on you? Maybe? No? Perhaps? You will find out when the times comes, and if that time ever does come, then worry. Don’t just worry, leave the piece of shit. If you feel your life is so horrible, please take a moment and figure out what you can do to make it better. Now, as I’m typing this I’m figuring out ways to do this myself because I have a lot of improvements to make personally. I’m very self aware. I’m not going to give you the same advice everyone else does because it’s all shit.

“Your life is tough but think of Syria”.

“Your life is tough but think of Africa”.

“Your life is tough but think of the Holocaust”.

Shut the hell up.

Yes, there are many things that occur and have occurred in the world much worse than going bankrupt, losing your car, divorce, your children hating you and so on. Sure. That doesn’t make these problems any less real to YOU. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be upset about your situation. That DOES mean you should be proactive, because you do have control over your life. You have control of who you surround yourself with. You have control over who you let affect your emotions, your well being, YOUR SANITY. Don’t let situations make you feel like your LIFE is a mess, don’t let people have the power to hurt you. Especially selfish people, because they don’t care about you. Hell, they don’t even think about you because they’re so busy thinking about themselves.

I can feel my sanity slipping because of these people, why have I allowed this?

Why have you allowed this?

The Tank

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I picked up my daughter after work yesterday, like any other day. Her father called to speak with her from prison, which I allow, and they have exactly fifteen minutes to talk. I feel relieved that he called during our thirty minute commute back home because I needed a moment to myself to get over the crappy day I had; I always need a moment like this if I’ve had a bad day to make sure my attitude is positive around Victoria. Once finished, Victoria hands over the phone and I ask her about her day, as usual. We talk about the Thanksgiving lunch they had in class and she tells me all that she’s learned about the Pilgrims and Indians. I smile and tell her how much I love her. I always feel the need to reassure her, to make sure she understands that I will never leave her side…

“I love you…So, so much Victoria. I’m so proud of you honey.”

“I love you too Mãe. Thanks.”

“You’re my absolute best friend.”

“Mãe, you can’t be…You’re my mom.”

“What?! Sure I can!! I love you thiiiisssssss much!” *stretches arm out*

“Wooooow that’s a lot! Well I love you thiiiiiisssssssssss much more!” *extends both arms out* *pauses for a minute* “Actually…No.”

“Hmm…?”

“Actually Mommy…I have a tank!”

“I don’t understand amor.”

“Yeah. I have a tank inside of me. Actually Mãe, we all have tanks inside of us. I fill up my tank with love. Love for you, love for Avó, love for Avô, love for Pae and Titias and everyone!”

“Oh, is that right?”

“Yes! But my tank is mostly full of love for you mom. You’re my favorite mommy! But sometimes, my tank feels empty. Like when daddy doesn’t come and see me. But then! Then mommy comes and fills it up again! You’re a good tank filler mom.”

“Honey, daddy will see you soon. He loves you so much, he always wants to see you.”

“Yeah…Well…I know. It’s okay, I have you right? Always?”

“Yes, honey, always.”

“See! Mãe, do I fill up your tank?”

“As long as I have you, my tank is never empty”

She moved on to a different topic, as she normally takes control of our conversations. For some reason I couldn’t shake our previous conversation, I wondered where she got that from, or if she made it up on her own. A tank. My six year old has a better concept of how love works than most people, and how it affects us. We all have tanks that can be emptied and filled every day, depending on the circumstance. Some situations empty us, and others fill us, and some people do the same. We all have one, but is it empty? Full? Functioning? Cracked? Leaking? Who fills it? Who do we allow to empty it? Are we in control of this? I spent years with an empty tank not realizing that my “tank filler” was always there, staring up at me. Sitting there in all of her youth…And oddly, all of her wisdom. This little person teaches me something new every day.

I think what I would like to teach her down the line is that we shouldn’t rely on anyone to fill our tank…We should be able to fill that ourselves; everyone else is just the “top off”. How could I, when she’s the only one who fills my tank to the brim? Overflowing, making a beautiful mess inside me of emotions.

Is your tank full?

Young Girl

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Young Girl

I see you. Holding his hand as you walk across the street, and I wonder. At nothing more than 15 years old, do you worry about what might/will happen? Or are you what I was like at your age? Are you so sure in your mind that it’s going to last forever, that you don’t dare think about this fantasy evaporating into thin air. Do you feel like he’s the perfect boy and are you positive he’ll grow into the man of your dreams? When he touches you, do you feel like no boy could ever possibly feel better than this one? Do your parents approve? Do you care? Does he call you names when he’s upset? Does he ignore you because he feels like it? Does he say things just to hurt your feelings because that’s what teen boys and girls do? Does he respect you the way he should? Are you ready for the heart break that is ahead?

We’ve all been there before, young girl. Just know that we are all rooting for you and your happiness, and if this teenage love does flourish into a relationship that lasts forever…You’ve beat all of the odds. But, young girl, please remember that if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be okay. There is a love that exists much deeper than the one you are feeling now. There is a man out there who will make you feel things, in your future, that you couldn’t possibly be feeling with this boy. This love you feel at this moment is shallow. It’s based on appearances, and popularity, and cool shoes. It’s based on pretty hair and the fact that everyone else is doing it. It’s based on his smooth way of making you feel giggly and your short shorts. Thinking about it now, a lot of adult relationships are like this. That’s not what you want. You want more. You want it to be based on the way he calls you every morning to hear your voice, not just some text. You want it to be based on how he talks about you to others, the twinkle in his eye when you’re brought up in conversation. The respect he shows you every day. The way he holds you when you’re upset. The hair on the back of your neck standing up when he brushes your skin with his hand. How he makes you want to do things for him, not out of obligation, but out of love. Those flowers just because it’s Wednesday. Those sexless nights filled with deep conversation and understanding.

This boy might break your heart, or you might break his. Focus on your well being and your future. Don’t let him pressure you into having sex at such a young age. Don’t let him treat you like shit because you are worth so much more than that. There is time for love. There is time for children and marriage….And sex….And passion. It may not seem like it now, but there is time. This boy will not help you finish school, he will not help you mature, he will not turn you into the successful woman I know you can be. He may not be a bad person, or a boy with bad intentions, but guard your heart for it is fragile. You’ll find that it will harden as you experience and grow, but there will come a time when you meet the man of your dreams and he’s able to soften your heart again. You’ll look back at this current relationship and think…Wow, I learned a lot from that relationship. I don’t even remember what I felt with that boy, because it was smothered by all of the things teenagers go through…Including hormones.

When you’re young, everything seems like it’s the end of the world. But it’s not. It’s just the beginning. When you love life, it’ll love you right back. I promise.

Kate.

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Kate is a woman who is a hard, selfish and who has been through her fair share of turmoil. However, Kate was sweet once. There was a time in her life where she was compassionate, caring, and loyal. There was a time in her life where her children came first and all she ever knew was how to work and take care of her family. See, Kate grew up in a strict household and witnessed some traumatic things.

Kate’s first husband was angry and egotistical, staying true to the old school lifestyle he was accustomed to in his country, bleeding machismo through every pore of his body. “Where are you going?” “I’m going to do laundry, I’m done with dinner” “Sit the fuck down we’re not done here” “I really need to get laundry done, I have to get up early and I still have to bathe the little ones” *throws knife* Kate is bleeding. She walks upstairs to rinse off the blood and the little girl follows her. “Mommy.” “Mommy…What’s wrong?…Mommy….Mommy are you asleep?” The little girl runs downstairs. “Daddy I think mommy is dead” “Sit down, querida, eat.” Silence. Silence. Silence. Kate comes to and carries on with her evening as if nothing has happened.

She’s in this alone.

No one knows. No one would ever suspect.

How could it be possible? He’s a provider! He’s a good father!

“Querida, keep it down your father is sleeping. He has to work tonight” “Mommy, I’m just playing with my barbies” “KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE I NEED TO SLEEP, PORRA”  “I said keep it down you’re going to upset your father”

*storms out of bedroom* “DID I NOT SAY I’M TRYING TO SLEEP?!!! KATE DID I NOT TELL YOU TO KEEP THIS UNDER CONTROL?! “ *grabs little girl and throws her on the floor* “I don’t like talking this much…I need to sleep!” *stomps on her back* “I’m sorry daddy, I’m sorry!”

Every. Day.

One day Kate met a man who was different. A man who showed her that men should always treat women with respect and should never lay a hand on a woman. He was young but eager to keep Kate forever as long as she could find the courage to leave. So she did. Her husband broke into a million little pieces, forever regretting his decisions. Through the years, as he watched his daughters grow and become attached to another man, he cried himself to sleep. Wondering what could have been, what should have been. As Kate bore two more children with this man, the pieces began to pull themselves together. She didn’t care if they were struggling financially or if raising four girls was difficult; she just knew that things were better. The problem was Kate was already bitter from her first marriage and took it out on her new husband. Things began to change over time, they became more distant, she became angrier and angrier. Why do I feel this way? Why am I not happy? What do I do? How do I change? What’s wrong? All romanticism was gone, feelings were hurt, no one knew what happened or why things fell apart. They just did. They were a seemingly perfect family and suddenly, like most “perfect” families, things weren’t what they seemed.

Again, Kate met someone who was different. Younger. Easy to manipulate. Romantic. She knew she wasn’t going to last with this person as he had nothing to offer but she went for it anyway. A new adventure. What could I lose? My children are resilient, they’re used to change. It’s fine. He’ll do. Over the years Kate also tired of this manboy and decided that she was bored of playing with his head. He, like her two previous husbands, was shattered. He had no idea how to live without this woman and took up drinking. Kate was much more powerful than she thought, she never knew she could have such an impact on others and enjoyed the power she had.

Until one day she met her match. A man who was just as selfish as she was. A man who didn’t take any of her shit and threw it right back at her when necessary. Drama. Dependent. Annoying. Ignorant. He was everything a woman SHOULD NOT want. Yet Kate loved him. She was absolutely head over heels and she did not know why. She remembered the words her daughter once told her, “one day, you will meet someone who treats you just as you treated the others, and you won’t be able to leave. You’ll be stuck”. She was stuck. She found herself playing the on again off again game most sixteen year old couples play. She was so used to leaving and never going back. Why do I keep going back? She couldn’t understand her actions or her logic. There was no logic. Love isn’t logical, but she didn’t know that because she had never been in love before. Love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t feel wrong. Why was this so wrong? Too stubborn to ask for help, she stayed. Every family member from every corner telling her to leave. She had nothing to lose, why doesn’t she just leave? She can’t. This snake has coiled around her, making it hard for her to breathe and making it hard for anyone to break her free. She’s distanced herself from her daughters, her family, from anyone who has ever loved her. Even the second husband who has begged for her back time and time again.

She’s doomed and she knows it.

Don’t ever let a man change you, don’t ever let your feelings consume you so much that you don’t recognize yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror. YOU are in control.  Take care of yourself because no one else will. If you don’t want help, don’t take it. Realize when you DO need help. Be thankful for the GOOD people in your life. You’re doomed to repeat history if you don’t come to terms with it. Always put your children first.

Love hard, but always be self aware.