Tag Archives: drama

America the Beautiful

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AMERRRIIICCCAAAA AMEEEERRRRIIICCCAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘MURCA!

I’m sure there are thousands of blog posts out there focused on the US Presidential Election. I’m sure some of these posts bash Republicans, and others bash Democrats. I’m sure some of those blogs are written by people who aren’t even in the states but this election has affected the WORLD in such a way that everyone is feeling a bit of pain or happiness.

I’m sure some talk about everything I’m about to talk about and more.

However, I feel if I don’t blog about this I might never shut up about it on social media and I’m getting tired of even my own posts about this election to be honest. I really can’t help it. You don’t have to read my blog and you don’t have to like my blog. You don’t even have to agree. It’s mine to write on.

Let’s start with a few facts. I don’t discriminate against anyone who doesn’t agree with my views as long as they disagree in a civil manner. I have so many Trump supporting friends who are respectful and who understand that I am entitled to my own opinions. I voted Bernie. I am still very irritated that Hillary ran instead of Bernie, let’s make that clear. I am also devastated to see Obama go. I voted for Hillary. I am not a lazy, jobless, liberal. I do not believe in gun control, I do believe in legalizing pot, I am pro-choice, and I’m a Catholic. I am constantly called a liberal because of my age, it is constantly assumed that I’ve had a handful of abortions and I want all the pot. It is constantly assumed that I’m scared of guns and an atheist. It is constantly assumed that I feel entitled and that I am too stupid to carry my own weight. I am none of these things. I am an individual with different views on different things with different values who would like to not be labeled.

Barack and Michelle have represented our country with such grace and class, I’m not sure we’ll ever get that back. I am truly going to miss them. I don’t care if you’re not a Democrat or if you didn’t agree with their policies or the changes they’ve made, you can’t take that away from them. Hillary is scary, I will not sugar coat it and I won’t ever say she would be an exceptional President, because I don’t believe she would be. I did believe she’d keep our heads above water until the next election though.  Trump. My Lord….Trump. Insane, big mouthed, trashy, ill mannered and sexist. Hillary has a past that would make even the KKK shake in their boots and Trump is just a disgusting human being who will, and has, embarrassed this country. I just hope they script everything that comes out of his mouth from ordering a burger to making public speeches, he’s just that damn offensive. I feel he is unprepared for his position as Hillary has spent most of her life building up to this only to lose. I wanted Trump to lose more than I wanted Hillary to lose is my point. I believe Trump is one of those people that will abuse his power, we have taken hate and given him a huge, fat, fist. I would not have chosen Hillary to be our first female president, I don’t feel she deserves that title, but I just really could not get behind Trump.

Trump has promoted hate, bullying and racism throughout his entire campaign. Do I believe he can just go out and deport everyone? No. Do I believe he’s going to just flip the entire country upside down in four years? He might, but it’ll be difficult to do since he’s not the only one who makes the decisions. Do I believe that my Republican friends promote this hate and bigotry? Absolutely not. What I do believe, however, is he has enabled every single person who has always been racist and who has always been hateful to act out. He has encouraged these people to treat anyone who is not like them, like dirt. As if they are not part of the foundation of this country. As if they don’t have anything positive to offer us. They should “go back” to their country because they wear hijabs or speak another language. Pure ignorance is swallowing us up. I’ve seen videos that made my stomach turn. People pulling off hijabs, throwing around racial slurs, threatening people and so forth. This is scary. Children in elementary schools are bringing up the fact that Trump is now president, so now the brown people need to leave. The comments on these posts throw me for a loop every single time! “Oh, they’re just kids. Hate and racism has always been around. Don’t blame Trump”. I’m not blaming Trump for racist people and their racist acts, I’m blaming him for making it okay.

I am a first generation American. My parents are immigrants. My mother has a green card, she is not an American citizen. She has worked her ass off in this country and continues to do so. She does not mooch. She does not break the law. She is a woman who is just trying to survive. We are not tan. We look like your every day white people. We do speak Portuguese, and I am a little scared to speak it in public. This still affects us, our hearts still bleed for those who are openly harassed day to day. When people say, “Oh Trump is just talk while Hillary is a murderer!”, it does make me think for a minute. Is he just some guy on a power trip that spews bullshit? Or has he not committed these crimes because he hasn’t had the opportunity…Yet? What’s frightening to me is how many people just completely downplay these events, I seriously cannot get over it! They truly do not believe Trump is capable of causing harm, please get your head out of your asses. Everyone has the potential to do harm. Everyone.

Let’s flip the coin for a second. These riots, the burning of flags, the fighting, coming from the opposite side. This is no way to protest. This is no way to represent our communities. It is not okay to fight unless you are being attacked. It is not okay to burn flags, we need to respect this nation as Donald Trump wasn’t more than some reality TV star trash bag until now. Why are we letting him shake us so? Why are we stooping to their level of hatred? Beating up on a Trump supporter walking down the street just because they’re wearing a Trump hat is not making you look like you have a true purpose. I understand this situation is bringing out the worst in us but we need to stand up the right way. We have no control over the fact that he’s the president at this point. Eight years ago I said, “I don’t care about anyone’s thoughts on Barack Obama becoming President, the fact of the matter is he is our President and we must respect him until he gives us a reason DURING his presidency to make us feel otherwise”. I feel the same way about Trump. He is our leader now and we have to at least give him a chance, and if he messes this up, then we’ll have a reason to really revolt.

What pisses me off is 8 years ago, these people who are spreading so much hate and racism didn’t say that we should respect Obama and are now expecting it for Trump. Practice what you preach or shut the hell up. Period. People actually feel okay to fly confederate/nazi flags, people actually feel okay with shouting ‘Ni****’, people actually feel okay with telling their children they’re not to play with kids who aren’t white at school, people actually feel okay with telling others that they cannot speak another language because it’s the new “law”. IGNORANT, STUPID, MISINFORMED IDIOCY! What are we if we don’t all respect each other? Do we expect other countries to respect us as a country? We are the butt of everyone’s jokes. It’s we as a people who are making it this way. We need to get our shit together. I am all for people with different opinions and views, just don’t push that shit onto everyone else, especially with violence.

So many are saying, “Hillary should’ve traded places with Bernie”. Where the hell were all of you during the primaries? I am angry. Bernie would’ve had a real chance over Trump. Bernie was part of the change we wanted to see. Better luck next time, let this be a lesson to those of you who didn’t vote. In addition, if you didn’t vote, you have no right to complain. You have no right to protest or to bitch. You did nothing but expected results. That is not how it works!

To those of you who have experienced this hate first hand. Please know that where there is bad, there is always good. You are loved. You are wanted here. You will always find people around you to help you and support you if in need. The racists and bigots have always been racists and bigots. They’ve just been injected with pride and a sense of superiority. We will get past this, it will get better. You did not come here to fail or to be dragged through the mud, you came here for the same reason my parents and grandparents came here. To make something of yourself. For a chance. A real chance. LGBTQ and women, we have come too far and have gone through too much to let this shake us. We are stronger as a team. Stick together. Spread love among the hate. Spread strength and unity. Spread fearlessness and class.

Spread hope.

 

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Freedom Isn’t Always a Good Thing

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He’s out.

As I was standing there, getting ready for bed, I received a phone call. My phone read “Robert”. I just let it ring, and ring as my throat closed up. It took me a while to really process what was happening, and I realized, he’s out. My ex has been released from prison, you can find my post about that whole situation >>> here . Before he was incarcerated, he was on trial for two years and he made my life hell. He was able to swindle 50/50 custody out of the court system and on top of that, made co-parenting extremely difficult. How did he manage to do that? He has a lawyer, hell he even took me to court while he was IN prison! If he cared about our daughter, he would know that it is in her best interest to be close to me because I absolutely love her so much. No. He does things for his own benefit, and just to hurt me. He doesn’t care about her well being, he doesn’t care about what makes her happy, he only cares about revenge. He’s upset because I never took him back (naturally) and now he’s upset because he actually got convicted (he was so sure he wouldn’t be because he thinks this is the Azores). Court is in April and I’m so scared, anxious, and nervous. I know I have my daughter’s best interest in mind, but he has a lawyer and money….And all I have is love. It’s crazy to see one parent try to take their children away from another parent, even when they know that parent absolutely loves their children. They just do it for personal gain, it’s sick. I know so many people who are like my ex in that sense, and they get away with it. Here’s hoping court goes well because I don’t think I could handle anymore bad news at this point.

 

Thank God for my amazing support system and the strength my gorgeous daughter gives me. I don’t know where I would be without it.

Unrequited Love

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I saw this interesting video today about unrequited love;it was meant to be funny, and it was. But then I got to thinking. Most of the time when one thinks of unrequited love, we think of a one sided love that the other side is not aware of. Maybe you’re in love with your best friend and they aren’t aware of it, or you have a crush on someone who might have a crush on you back but you’re too scared to admit to this, leaving the two of you in a permanent “friend zone” vortex. These are common scenarios, but I realized that this is true for a lot of different situations. What’s worse? A love in which the other person isn’t aware of, leaving you to wonder for the rest of your life “what if”? Or…Loving someone who is fully aware of your love for them, and they neither throw you away nor keep you. You’re just there.

See, I know many who are in relationships where the love is 100% one sided, yet that person won’t leave. They’re treated as if there are a hundred million things that other person would rather be doing than stand in the same room as them let alone be in a relationship with them. Yet, there they are, Facebook official. All smiley and shit on their feed pictures but miserable behind the screen. There’s a particular couple I know who comes to mind and every time I think about it I feel so angry and sad that she is allowing this to happen to her. He was seemingly great at first and then his attitude changed and she was left wondering what happened. She would vent about how he didn’t care about her, how he chose his friends over her, how he was a cheater, etc. She would ask why he didn’t just leave, why lead her on? Why cheat? Why waste her time? I had to keep explaining to her that a love that is not reciprocated, is not a love worth having. That there are other people out there. She shouldn’t let herself get pushed around or used in such a way.

It’s such a childish thing to me, to be in a relationship you’re not happy in (unless there’s mental illness or emotional disease involved then I understand to a degree). These selfish people always wait until the other person is at the very end of their rope, ready to jump, to grow the balls to leave. Why hurt someone so purposefully? Why let someone feel that way, every second of every day, like life is just going to blow up in their face at any moment? I could never understand why people could have such a lack of self respect to let another treat them any less than they deserve.

We’re not all perfect, but no one deserves to have their time wasted or their heart toyed with. Maybe my mind is just not wise enough to grasp the concept that not everyone has the ability to be honest or to do good. That people really do get a kick out of messing with other people’s emotions. They’re completely capable of saying one thing and doing the opposite. They’re okay with lying to your face. They’re okay with watching you cry. They’re fine with witnessing the struggle in your eyes as you try to love them with every ounce of your being. Clawing at a relationship that will never evolve. Emptiness.

Have you ever searched for someone in a crowded room only to find out they were searching for you too, and there’s that moment of relief that you’ve found each other? Now imagine that same scenario, only that person is looking for someone else.

Unrequited Love. Tragic.

Me, Myself, and That One Crazy Bitch

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I’ll be the first to say it…I’m fucking nuts.

I talk too much. I laugh too much. I’m too loud. I’m obnoxious. I confuse myself. I confuse others. I avoid confrontation. I like to give affection and receive it. I’m laid back. I like to have fun. Sometimes I like to drink too much wine at dinner. Sometimes I like to sit at home and read. I love being around my daughter. I love being around my boyfriend. I love being around my family. I love to have fun and sing out of tune. I love hugging and being held. I mask my sadness with a smile and I hide my lack of self esteem with a head held high and a confident strut.

But sometimes….Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I’ll call you out. Sometimes I’ll sit quietly, inside of my head. Sometimes things will bother me that shouldn’t bother me. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably in the shower, take a deep breath, and compose myself before going to work. Sometimes I want to give advice, other times I regret opening my mouth. Sometimes I don’t want to have a beer. Sometimes I don’t want to go out. Sometimes I don’t want to be surrounded by people. Sometimes I get social anxiety and find it hard to breathe in a crowd. Sometimes I don’t want to make decisions. Sometimes I don’t want to burden others with my shit. Sometimes I don’t want to be around anyone at all, I just want to sit by myself and not worry about anything or anyone. Just sit. At the beach, or in my home or at a park or anywhere. Sometimes I nag and complain and let small things hurt my feelings. Sometimes I watch the news and it ruins my entire day and I’ll take it out on people because the world is shit these days.

I’m sensitive. My feelings get hurt and I won’t always say it. I work through things alone and get over them. This is hard for people to understand because usually I’m so open about how I feel and about my thoughts. I am someone who has different sides to her, someone who isn’t always the same and who doesn’t always react to things in the same manner. I’m complicated, sentimental, lovable, honest, loyal, decent, generous, likable, and lonely. My personality is not split; it’s shredded. I love hard and then second guess myself twenty times a day because I’m scared. Of myself mostly. I ruin things without realizing it, I hurt people’s feelings unintentionally and then I get upset when they’re upset. I expect to be understood, I expect people to read my mind and know what’s wrong and then just leave me alone. Sometimes I don’t want people to ask me what’s wrong, let me stew in my own dramatic bullshit. I don’t like depending on others to make me feel better or to hear me out because I’m not used to it. I don’t want to vent and get the “oh wow I totally understand” *head nod* response I’ve been given in the past.

I’m irrational, and sometimes someone just needs to tell me that I’m being ridiculous and smack me upside the head. Or tell me that my thoughts aren’t as crazy as I feel they are, and hold me. I don’t like to cry in front of people and when I do sometimes I want to lock myself in a closet until the embarrassment and shame of being so weak washes away.

Crazy.

Irrational.

Sane.

Emotional.

Sensitive.

Stupid.

Intelligent.

Crazy.

Crazy.

Crazy.