Tag Archives: Control

27

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I haven’t written in forever SORRY. Friday was my birthday and man am I creeping up in age. I get people all the time who are like “you’re ONLY 27”, but they’re just not understanding how I feel about this. I’m 27 and I don’t have much to show for it in my mind.

Yes, I have a gorgeous daughter and a loving boyfriend. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I haven’t died yet. Okay. When I was 16 I had a plan, a check list, an idea of where I would be at the glorious age of 27.

  1. Master’s in Psychology degree achieved, going for my doctorate. I was on the right track at 18 when I was taking SO many units in college and into my early twenties but I WILL finish this dream. Even if I have to attend college while my child is in college.
  2. Buy my own house, without a partner. All by myself. I had a house but I let HIM keep it.
  3. Find the love of my life. Which I did just in the nick of time.
  4. I know this one seems a bit petty but I really wanted to have that cookie cutter marriage and one child. ONE CHILD ACHIEVED AND IT’S AWESOME! But no marriage. Imagine if I would have married him? Ew.
  5. I would have traveled all of Europe and Australia by now.
  6. Attend more than 100 concerts (including festivals).
  7. Experience the Fado houses in Portugal.
  8. Attend a World Cup Match
  9. Start a blog (I did it! Not a successful one, but I wanted to find a healthier outlet)
  10. Be happy. Genuinely happy. You see I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot in my life to be happy about, don’t get me wrong. But there is so much that I need to change to make me genuinely 100% happy. Getting there.

 

The thing about this list is, I was young and stupid. Nothing ever goes as planned in life, and that’s okay as long as you GET IT DONE EVENTUALLY. Real life shit held me back. Not laziness, not a lack of motivation, but situations that I could and could not control. Looking back at this I’m realizing that I gave myself very little time to conquer the world and I’ve been beating myself up for it for years now. I need to cut myself a little slack, but that’s hard to do. I’m absolutely my worst critic and I don’t see that ever changing. Little by little I’m accomplishing these things and my list keeps growing. I AM grateful, I love my life, I LOVE my daughter, I love my partner, I love my true friends, but I’m having a hard time loving myself right now for multiple reasons. It makes things complicated when you don’t fully love yourself, I seriously mean that. I have to get back on track. I used to love myself and along the way I just got lost. Some days are better than others, some days I wake up and think – I wouldn’t want to be anybody else – and other days I just want to tear myself apart. I have to remind myself to be positive. Happy birthday to me and yay for self realization.

I’m at a stand still.

I need to move. Get it going, get it together.

Go.

The Urge

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She had been living her life in a daze, twisting and turning with the motions as if in a a black sea of doubt and failure. She had people who claimed to love her, she had a beautiful daughter, and a decent job. She attempted to consume her misery by focusing on others and their happiness, but still, something was missing. She worked hours upon hours only to find no gratitude or growth in her path, but that was okay, because at least she had a job. She wasn’t homeless, yet. She wasn’t hopeless, yet.

She found someone who could lift her spirits, much like her daughter had been able to do, since birth. Then she found something different inside of her, something she couldn’t explain. Always analyzing, always fearful, doubtful, creating issues out of nothing. Creating issues out of something. So where does this leave her? Is it better to over analyze moments, actions, or lack there of…Or is it better to assume everything is fine until it blows up in her face? Again.

She could feel herself unraveling, coming undone. She was changing before her eyes, no longer caring about anyone else but her daughter. She didn’t care about what her parents thought, or siblings, or family…In fact she was one comment away from putting them all in their place. Holding up a mirror so they can see themselves, so they can realize how fucked up they are. So fucked up that anytime they dared to pinpoint her faults, she just laughed.

One morning, she woke up and began her day as she usually did. Convincing herself that it would be a better day, hiding her fears and insecurities behind makeup as she always has. Brushing her hair while in deep thought, planning out her day. She looks at her daughter, asleep and so peaceful, remembering a happier time and hoping her daughter never has to suffer. Every time she looks at her, her eyes swell up with tears; sometimes from sadness, others from joy and admiration. She looks away and begins to dress.

She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and looks away, never being able to make eye contact for reasons she still can’t seem to unfold. She decides that maybe that’s the problem, what is she so scared of? And then she looked in the mirror, staring deeply into her own eyes.

Lost.

Where are you? Where are you? She searches. She closes her eyes and then opens them again. Ah…There. There are you are. Hi. It’s been a while.

Unrequited Love

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I saw this interesting video today about unrequited love;it was meant to be funny, and it was. But then I got to thinking. Most of the time when one thinks of unrequited love, we think of a one sided love that the other side is not aware of. Maybe you’re in love with your best friend and they aren’t aware of it, or you have a crush on someone who might have a crush on you back but you’re too scared to admit to this, leaving the two of you in a permanent “friend zone” vortex. These are common scenarios, but I realized that this is true for a lot of different situations. What’s worse? A love in which the other person isn’t aware of, leaving you to wonder for the rest of your life “what if”? Or…Loving someone who is fully aware of your love for them, and they neither throw you away nor keep you. You’re just there.

See, I know many who are in relationships where the love is 100% one sided, yet that person won’t leave. They’re treated as if there are a hundred million things that other person would rather be doing than stand in the same room as them let alone be in a relationship with them. Yet, there they are, Facebook official. All smiley and shit on their feed pictures but miserable behind the screen. There’s a particular couple I know who comes to mind and every time I think about it I feel so angry and sad that she is allowing this to happen to her. He was seemingly great at first and then his attitude changed and she was left wondering what happened. She would vent about how he didn’t care about her, how he chose his friends over her, how he was a cheater, etc. She would ask why he didn’t just leave, why lead her on? Why cheat? Why waste her time? I had to keep explaining to her that a love that is not reciprocated, is not a love worth having. That there are other people out there. She shouldn’t let herself get pushed around or used in such a way.

It’s such a childish thing to me, to be in a relationship you’re not happy in (unless there’s mental illness or emotional disease involved then I understand to a degree). These selfish people always wait until the other person is at the very end of their rope, ready to jump, to grow the balls to leave. Why hurt someone so purposefully? Why let someone feel that way, every second of every day, like life is just going to blow up in their face at any moment? I could never understand why people could have such a lack of self respect to let another treat them any less than they deserve.

We’re not all perfect, but no one deserves to have their time wasted or their heart toyed with. Maybe my mind is just not wise enough to grasp the concept that not everyone has the ability to be honest or to do good. That people really do get a kick out of messing with other people’s emotions. They’re completely capable of saying one thing and doing the opposite. They’re okay with lying to your face. They’re okay with watching you cry. They’re fine with witnessing the struggle in your eyes as you try to love them with every ounce of your being. Clawing at a relationship that will never evolve. Emptiness.

Have you ever searched for someone in a crowded room only to find out they were searching for you too, and there’s that moment of relief that you’ve found each other? Now imagine that same scenario, only that person is looking for someone else.

Unrequited Love. Tragic.

Kate.

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Kate is a woman who is a hard, selfish and who has been through her fair share of turmoil. However, Kate was sweet once. There was a time in her life where she was compassionate, caring, and loyal. There was a time in her life where her children came first and all she ever knew was how to work and take care of her family. See, Kate grew up in a strict household and witnessed some traumatic things.

Kate’s first husband was angry and egotistical, staying true to the old school lifestyle he was accustomed to in his country, bleeding machismo through every pore of his body. “Where are you going?” “I’m going to do laundry, I’m done with dinner” “Sit the fuck down we’re not done here” “I really need to get laundry done, I have to get up early and I still have to bathe the little ones” *throws knife* Kate is bleeding. She walks upstairs to rinse off the blood and the little girl follows her. “Mommy.” “Mommy…What’s wrong?…Mommy….Mommy are you asleep?” The little girl runs downstairs. “Daddy I think mommy is dead” “Sit down, querida, eat.” Silence. Silence. Silence. Kate comes to and carries on with her evening as if nothing has happened.

She’s in this alone.

No one knows. No one would ever suspect.

How could it be possible? He’s a provider! He’s a good father!

“Querida, keep it down your father is sleeping. He has to work tonight” “Mommy, I’m just playing with my barbies” “KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE I NEED TO SLEEP, PORRA”  “I said keep it down you’re going to upset your father”

*storms out of bedroom* “DID I NOT SAY I’M TRYING TO SLEEP?!!! KATE DID I NOT TELL YOU TO KEEP THIS UNDER CONTROL?! “ *grabs little girl and throws her on the floor* “I don’t like talking this much…I need to sleep!” *stomps on her back* “I’m sorry daddy, I’m sorry!”

Every. Day.

One day Kate met a man who was different. A man who showed her that men should always treat women with respect and should never lay a hand on a woman. He was young but eager to keep Kate forever as long as she could find the courage to leave. So she did. Her husband broke into a million little pieces, forever regretting his decisions. Through the years, as he watched his daughters grow and become attached to another man, he cried himself to sleep. Wondering what could have been, what should have been. As Kate bore two more children with this man, the pieces began to pull themselves together. She didn’t care if they were struggling financially or if raising four girls was difficult; she just knew that things were better. The problem was Kate was already bitter from her first marriage and took it out on her new husband. Things began to change over time, they became more distant, she became angrier and angrier. Why do I feel this way? Why am I not happy? What do I do? How do I change? What’s wrong? All romanticism was gone, feelings were hurt, no one knew what happened or why things fell apart. They just did. They were a seemingly perfect family and suddenly, like most “perfect” families, things weren’t what they seemed.

Again, Kate met someone who was different. Younger. Easy to manipulate. Romantic. She knew she wasn’t going to last with this person as he had nothing to offer but she went for it anyway. A new adventure. What could I lose? My children are resilient, they’re used to change. It’s fine. He’ll do. Over the years Kate also tired of this manboy and decided that she was bored of playing with his head. He, like her two previous husbands, was shattered. He had no idea how to live without this woman and took up drinking. Kate was much more powerful than she thought, she never knew she could have such an impact on others and enjoyed the power she had.

Until one day she met her match. A man who was just as selfish as she was. A man who didn’t take any of her shit and threw it right back at her when necessary. Drama. Dependent. Annoying. Ignorant. He was everything a woman SHOULD NOT want. Yet Kate loved him. She was absolutely head over heels and she did not know why. She remembered the words her daughter once told her, “one day, you will meet someone who treats you just as you treated the others, and you won’t be able to leave. You’ll be stuck”. She was stuck. She found herself playing the on again off again game most sixteen year old couples play. She was so used to leaving and never going back. Why do I keep going back? She couldn’t understand her actions or her logic. There was no logic. Love isn’t logical, but she didn’t know that because she had never been in love before. Love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t feel wrong. Why was this so wrong? Too stubborn to ask for help, she stayed. Every family member from every corner telling her to leave. She had nothing to lose, why doesn’t she just leave? She can’t. This snake has coiled around her, making it hard for her to breathe and making it hard for anyone to break her free. She’s distanced herself from her daughters, her family, from anyone who has ever loved her. Even the second husband who has begged for her back time and time again.

She’s doomed and she knows it.

Don’t ever let a man change you, don’t ever let your feelings consume you so much that you don’t recognize yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror. YOU are in control.  Take care of yourself because no one else will. If you don’t want help, don’t take it. Realize when you DO need help. Be thankful for the GOOD people in your life. You’re doomed to repeat history if you don’t come to terms with it. Always put your children first.

Love hard, but always be self aware.