Up/Down

Standard

This week I’m feeling really down because of my upcoming mediation appointment (tomorrow). I feel like it isn’t going to turn out the way it needs to in order for Victoria to be comfortable, I can only have faith. Due to the fact that I’m feeling down and out of luck, I’ve decided to base this on everything I’m thankful for and everything that makes me happy. I need to counter this negativity with positivity, because despite all of the negative aspects of my life…There are far more positive qualities that I feel I should remind myself of.

  1. I suppose we should start with the obvious, I’m living. Well…I’m alive anyway.
  2. I have a family that semi-supports me.
  3. I have a daughter that is absolutely amazing. Intelligent, gorgeous beyond belief, hilarious, and she sets me straight. I love her to pieces and I am loving every second I spend with her. Watching her learn, her excitement when I say “time for math”, her eagerness to get it right the FIRST TIME or she has a total melt down (we’re working on that part). How much she loves me unconditionally and expresses it day to day, she even calls me her best friend. Now that’s a big deal. I know that no matter what happens tomorrow, she will love me and she will never forget everything I have done and will continue to do for her. She’s the coolest kid ever by the way. #sofashion
  4. Michael. My Michael. The man I thought I’d never meet, much less the man I thought I could never deserve. But I do. I deserve him. He is so selflessly there for me (even if he is my white cat…Inside joke). We share so much together. We can talk for hours and hours about everything and anything; we know so much about each other we ROCK at the Newlywed game LOL we’re not even Newlyweds but the game was forced on us. He is the only person in the whole wide world I can open myself up to, completely. He’s my down low partner in nerd crime. He loves me. He loves my daughter. He loves his children. He protects us and shows us what a man should really be like. He restored my faith in men, and made me a little less scared of the future, especially when Victoria starts dating. Every time I look at this man, it’s like I’m looking at him for the first time. He’s beautiful inside and out. I fall in love with him all over again, every day.
  5. I have a job. They hate me, but hey it’s there.
  6. I have friends who support me, put me in my place, and give me advice. You know who you are, I love you!
  7. I’m so so blonde right now, my hairdresser rocks.
  8. I have a networking team that is amazing, they’ve helped me with this process as well by giving me advice and pointing me in the right direction should I need a good lawyer.
  9. My sense of humor. My God have I needed a good sense of humor to deal with this shit.
  10. I’m not homeless.
  11. I can walk around and stuff, I mean I’m fat so it isn’t very fast, but I get there.
  12. Make up on point at least 85% of the time, which is pretty good if you ask me.
  13. I have a bright future ahead of me, and I know it.
  14. I have all of you who take the time out of your day to read my blogs, even if it’s just to snoop. Oh honey, you know who you are.
  15. I’m left handed meaning I’m smarter than most of you so BAM! Okay, that isn’t true. Being left handed is also extremely inconvenient in most cases.

Freedom Isn’t Always a Good Thing

Standard

He’s out.

As I was standing there, getting ready for bed, I received a phone call. My phone read “Robert”. I just let it ring, and ring as my throat closed up. It took me a while to really process what was happening, and I realized, he’s out. My ex has been released from prison, you can find my post about that whole situation >>> here . Before he was incarcerated, he was on trial for two years and he made my life hell. He was able to swindle 50/50 custody out of the court system and on top of that, made co-parenting extremely difficult. How did he manage to do that? He has a lawyer, hell he even took me to court while he was IN prison! If he cared about our daughter, he would know that it is in her best interest to be close to me because I absolutely love her so much. No. He does things for his own benefit, and just to hurt me. He doesn’t care about her well being, he doesn’t care about what makes her happy, he only cares about revenge. He’s upset because I never took him back (naturally) and now he’s upset because he actually got convicted (he was so sure he wouldn’t be because he thinks this is the Azores). Court is in April and I’m so scared, anxious, and nervous. I know I have my daughter’s best interest in mind, but he has a lawyer and money….And all I have is love. It’s crazy to see one parent try to take their children away from another parent, even when they know that parent absolutely loves their children. They just do it for personal gain, it’s sick. I know so many people who are like my ex in that sense, and they get away with it. Here’s hoping court goes well because I don’t think I could handle anymore bad news at this point.

 

Thank God for my amazing support system and the strength my gorgeous daughter gives me. I don’t know where I would be without it.

Broken

Standard

As I lay before you, legs spread wide

I notice your eyes scale down my sides

I used to be ashamed of these lines

These Marks

Proof of what I have stomached

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

As we argue, angry words exchanged

I can’t help but fear what’s ahead

The attitude spilling from within

This lack of remorse for what is being said

Only to protect myself

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

As I’m swallowed by my past

Consumed by my insecurity

I can’t put into words

The reasons for my immaturity

There is an explanation

But for that, I will not apologize.

 

You see, it’s always been difficult

For me to open my soul

I mean, beyond all things physical

I realize I’m hard to love

I’m broken

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

Despite of all these things

Regardless of my strong will

Even when my self loathing stings

You love me still

Others don’t understand

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

 

Please keep in mind that this is the first “poem” I’ve written since I was 13 or so. I don’t follow “rules”, I don’t put much thought into it, I just write. Like the rest of my blog, this just kind of came out and I chose to go with it.

 

20 Things That I Don’t Like In No Particular Order

Standard
  1. Selfish people
  2. People who post quotes on Facebook to make others believe they’re Ghandi
  3. These same people doing the exact opposite of said quotes
  4. Judgmental people
  5. Liars
  6. People who take advantage of others, especially emotionally
  7. Gross, dirty sponges
  8. People who place the trash bin on the counter just to change the bag
  9. People who tell me how to parent
  10. Teenagers
  11. Attention whores
  12. Ugly attention whores
  13. People who are self absorbed
  14. Entitled people
  15. People
  16. Having my ears touched
  17. Oprah
  18. Clothes
  19. People who take you for granted
  20. Unnoticed efforts

Self Destruction

Standard

Why are people so self destructive? I don’t mean physically, really, I mean mentally. We often times are the creators of our own drama. So much is created inside of our heads, mostly because we care too much about others and we dwell too much on situations. Every day I come across conversations, people venting about their lives and situations. Too often do I hear women go on and on about a million ways their significant other is probably cheating on them. Too often do hear people talk about how horrible their lives are and how much better things would be if this or that just happened.

I’m guilty of this. My life would be easier if I won the lottery. My life would be easier if my ex would just drop dead. My life would be easier if people would just stop being assholes.

We sit here and are so inside of our heads, we just go on and on until we’ve driven ourselves crazy. Why do we do this? The world is crazy enough without us having to augment issues in our minds. Your boyfriend is cheating on you? Maybe? No? Perhaps? You will find out when the times comes, and if that time ever does come, then worry. Don’t just worry, leave the piece of shit. If you feel your life is so horrible, please take a moment and figure out what you can do to make it better. Now, as I’m typing this I’m figuring out ways to do this myself because I have a lot of improvements to make personally. I’m very self aware. I’m not going to give you the same advice everyone else does because it’s all shit.

“Your life is tough but think of Syria”.

“Your life is tough but think of Africa”.

“Your life is tough but think of the Holocaust”.

Shut the hell up.

Yes, there are many things that occur and have occurred in the world much worse than going bankrupt, losing your car, divorce, your children hating you and so on. Sure. That doesn’t make these problems any less real to YOU. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be upset about your situation. That DOES mean you should be proactive, because you do have control over your life. You have control of who you surround yourself with. You have control over who you let affect your emotions, your well being, YOUR SANITY. Don’t let situations make you feel like your LIFE is a mess, don’t let people have the power to hurt you. Especially selfish people, because they don’t care about you. Hell, they don’t even think about you because they’re so busy thinking about themselves.

I can feel my sanity slipping because of these people, why have I allowed this?

Why have you allowed this?

The Urge

Standard

She had been living her life in a daze, twisting and turning with the motions as if in a a black sea of doubt and failure. She had people who claimed to love her, she had a beautiful daughter, and a decent job. She attempted to consume her misery by focusing on others and their happiness, but still, something was missing. She worked hours upon hours only to find no gratitude or growth in her path, but that was okay, because at least she had a job. She wasn’t homeless, yet. She wasn’t hopeless, yet.

She found someone who could lift her spirits, much like her daughter had been able to do, since birth. Then she found something different inside of her, something she couldn’t explain. Always analyzing, always fearful, doubtful, creating issues out of nothing. Creating issues out of something. So where does this leave her? Is it better to over analyze moments, actions, or lack there of…Or is it better to assume everything is fine until it blows up in her face? Again.

She could feel herself unraveling, coming undone. She was changing before her eyes, no longer caring about anyone else but her daughter. She didn’t care about what her parents thought, or siblings, or family…In fact she was one comment away from putting them all in their place. Holding up a mirror so they can see themselves, so they can realize how fucked up they are. So fucked up that anytime they dared to pinpoint her faults, she just laughed.

One morning, she woke up and began her day as she usually did. Convincing herself that it would be a better day, hiding her fears and insecurities behind makeup as she always has. Brushing her hair while in deep thought, planning out her day. She looks at her daughter, asleep and so peaceful, remembering a happier time and hoping her daughter never has to suffer. Every time she looks at her, her eyes swell up with tears; sometimes from sadness, others from joy and admiration. She looks away and begins to dress.

She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and looks away, never being able to make eye contact for reasons she still can’t seem to unfold. She decides that maybe that’s the problem, what is she so scared of? And then she looked in the mirror, staring deeply into her own eyes.

Lost.

Where are you? Where are you? She searches. She closes her eyes and then opens them again. Ah…There. There are you are. Hi. It’s been a while.

Christmas

Standard

Christmas is upon us people. A time in which giving is in our hearts. Homeless shelters, family, give give GIVE! A time to spend with our families, to sit around the table and eat yummy food. A time to enjoy the company of close and extended family, where we sing and dance and are merry! A time in which we teach our children about Christmas and what it means, the incarnation of God! In the flesh! He is born! WOOOOOO!

 

No.

 

 

Christmas is upon us. People spending copious amounts of money on their greedy little asshole children, hearing them wail on Christmas morning because they didn’t get the Nathan Drake Collection Playstation 4 they just got the boring normal one that only cost $300! Teenagers crying because they got clothes instead of the Tiffany Diamond earrings they’ve just been DYING to get. Wives putting up with their shitty mother-in-law’s opinions on whether or not the mashed potatoes have enough salt. Cousins smoking pot in the backyard while their parents go on and on about how horrible it is that Uncle Greg is still on meth. Parents who share custody of children, dangling kids over each other’s heads, no you can’t see them today…Maybe after Christmas. Christmas is about GIFTS and DRINKING and TALKING SHIT about aunt Pam and her cheating husband. Sure, let’s go to the soup kitchen before Christmas and serve so we can teach our children ONCE A YEAR how to give back to the community. Let me give this guy $5 to feed his addiction during Christmas time to show everyone in this parking lot that I’m a good person.

Mommy? Why do we celebrate Christmas?

Oh honey, to celebrate the birth of Christ.

Really? Can you tell me more about it?

Honey, go play.

And BAM! There it is.

 

What’s even worse? People who EXPECT gifts from you, whether it’s because they’re family or it’s because they’re friends. My BEST friends do not expect gifts from me and vice versa. In fact, we don’t get each other gifts for Christmas, birthdays, etc. If we do give gifts it’s because we just decided to, out of nowhere, not expecting anything in return. Just to do it. If I give you a gift and you’re family, it’s because I’m obligated to do so. My mother never uses or likes anything I give her. My dad only gets gift cards because he’s complicated. My sisters are just as picky but grateful for the most part. My grandmother I give to because she genuinely appreciates it and my favorite aunt would appreciate a cork board if I gave it to her, the woman is so down to Earth. I only get my daughter 2-3 gifts, and it’s typically clothes. I don’t expect anything from anyone, ever. Her father never bought me ONE gift, ever, for any occasion. I don’t care about it. If I buy friends a gift it’s because I found something I thought they’d really like and decided to buy it, a fluke if you will. Or if they’ve expressed interest in something specific, I’ll surprise them. I don’t like to be made or guilted into doing things, so I don’t guilt others into doing anything.

My family’s Christmas parties include talking shit, drinking, talking more shit, and being fake. Hi, I’m going to pretend I didn’t talk shit about you earlier today. Hi, yep your daughter still looks like she doesn’t belong to your ex. Hi, your new boyfriends is hot *squeeze*. There are only a small handful of family members who aren’t fake, and I appreciate you all…So much.

 

And of course this, this happened every time we were on our way to visit family when I was a teenager. 

My mother even said “make sure you buy something nice for yourself to wear on Christmas”. Uhhh, I was literally JUST thinking about wearing a Unicorn onesie and now she hits me with this bullshit?! I love dressing up, but why am I going to dress up just to go to my aunt’s house and sit on the damn couch. “You don’t want anyone to think that you’re poor and you don’t take care of yourself”. FOO I AM POOR! And I DO take care of myself! I just don’t feel like wearing heels all day and night while listening to my aunts scream (talk) at each other because I might chuck one at them.

*breathe*

 

Next week is Christmas. I’ll get through this. We will all get through this…