Category Archives: Uncategorized

I Fell Off the Face of the Earth

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Hi.

 

I’ve been busy with a whole lot of life.

 

Forgive me.

 

Seems as though I still have the stalkers on here though so that’s cool.

 

Also, my followers, thank you for having faith. I’ll be posting again soon

 

 

 

I hope.

 

Much love. Hope you all had a fantastic Halloween and rest of your summer.

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No Worries, We Believe You

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Have you ever met someone that craves so much attention, they are willing to rip worlds apart to do so? I’ve met plenty of people who are this way. They’re typically pathological liars, and there’s a lot of “crying wolf” going on.

These people actually believe that everyone around them is stupid, mostly because they really do believe all the crap that spews out of their mouths. Lie after lie after lie after lie. People like this will even lie about what they’ve had for lunch, just to have others watching think one way about them, when really they’re something else. They lie about their interest in politics to seem smarter. They use the people around them for their own benefit. They’ll love one, and then love another at the very same time, and then pretend like the harm was done to them. They tell others not to dwell on the past but sit there and cry about what has been done to them just to get a little bit of attention. They sleep around and drink, yet post on social media that whores are bad and drinking is a sin. They judge others, but fail to buy a mirror big enough for their ego. They bring their friends into their drama in hopes of receiving even the teensy bit of sympathy, in hopes their crazy ignorance and stupidity is supported…Which it normally is because boy are those tears real! They point fingers their whole life and do all of the things they say they will never do. Then accuse others of being horrible for doing the exact same things…Or not. They’re cowards, and will talk about you to others but won’t say it to your face. They’re only way of bonding with anyone is to talk trash about others because they’re too stupid to have real intellectual conversations. They’re envious of people who are happy and do whatever they can to dim that light.They block you on social media but make sure to watch you through other people’s profiles, emails and usernames.

Misery loves company.

They’re destined to be alone, still stuck in the teenage, close minded mentality. Spreading lies like wild fire, and then getting upset when they get burned. Too stupid to actually listen to anything anyone ever has to say, yet tries to make others feel stupid. You know those people who post pictures on social media with a super awesome, amazing, inspirational quote underneath? You sit there and think, “hmmm you do all of these things, people just don’t know about it”or “uhhh I’m pretty sure you’re a bully but okay!”.

These people you should rid your life of. They’re toxic. The type of people who will steal your friends, good name, and your husband. They’ll even comment on this and say this and that, only further proving my point.

I’d rather be honest and upfront and open about how I feel, than to have a permanent mask on because one day…The mask will get knocked off, and then what?

 

You’re A Person Too

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As we all know, there has been a LOT going on in the United States in the past few months and in the past couple of weeks. Before any of you start going off about how “these things happen in other countries every second of every day”, please realize that I care about all of these events. I feel for all of the people who have suffered, in all countries. However, right now, I’m focusing on the events here. I refuse to feel guilty about caring for the people in my own country.

Officers dying, innocent black people dying, protesters, mass shootings, PEOPLE dying. People. There is a rage flooding this country that has been rumbling for far too long and it’s getting out of hand. This hate needs to just stop, when will it stop? It is not enough to not be racist. That is no longer effective, action needs to be taken. Change needs to happen. I stand for every race, every ethnicity, all cultures. I don’t, however, stand for violence or ignorance or hatred. I don’t stand for the dummies that say all lives matter, we friggin’ know that all lives matter, the fact that we even need to say that out loud is sad. The thing is, people preach that all lives matter, however, not ALL LIVES ARE BEING TREATED EQUALLY. Can’t anyone understand this? Black Lives Matter’s purpose is to show this country that black lives aren’t being treated justly, they’re not being treated like “all” lives matter. That is the issue at hand. Innocent members of the black community being murdered.Not just by police officers, mind you. Then we have the audacity to be upset when there is friction, protesters, and acts of violence reciprocated.

Imagine always having to walk on eggshells because you don’t know how someone is going to react to you. Not someone, but a somewholeentirecommunityofwhitepeople. Of course, there is bad and good in all communities. The man who shot all of those police officers completely threw all and any progress of peaceful protesters to the wind. Understand this. Understand that it was a peaceful protest that some idiot with a gun decided to take into his own hands. One step forward, four steps back. Blue lives matter too, but that does not dismiss the fact that they are a representation of each other and some of them decided to MURDER innocent individuals in the name of white privilege. If you think white privilege isn’t a “thing”, please go into any Wal Mart or Target and use the self check out….Do they hover? No? Do they check your receipt? No? Hmmm….Funny. That shit is real. The problem is we want life to be so FeeFee LaLa we can’t get our heads out of our asses long enough to take a good hard look. I have good friends who are officers, and they are goodhearted  officers who do right by their community and I am so happy to be able to say that. I have good friends of color and they are goodhearted people who do right by their community and I am so happy to be able to say that. I have good friends who are white and they are goodhearted people who do right by their community and I am so happy to be able to say that. This is a small percentage of a very, very big country.

It is frightening how far backwards this country has leaped, so far backwards. It’s scary. How am I to raise a child in this? How? Should I rely on the fact that we look white? Should I bank on that? I come from immigrants. I’m not talking the regular “oh my great great great great great greeeeeat grandparents came here from England” story most people like to recount. I’m talking my mother isn’t a citizen here, legal, but not a citizen. My father became a citizen in his thirties. My second language is English. We are minorities. So the fact that there are people out there who hate anyone not “from here” scares me. It’s sheer ignorance. We can’t even call this a civilized country anymore, it’s going to shit. We don’t have the right to say that we are civilized. Animals treat each other with more respect.

I want all of you who disagree, to say this with me…Slowly now, don’t hurt yourselves…

Human 

Beings

Shouldn’t

Have

To

Fight

To

Be 

Treated

Like

Human

Beings

Actually, try that a few times.

I heard something the other day that was so true, I had to sit and think about it for a while. I had to let it sink in. “There isn’t more violence, there are just more cameras”. There isn’t more violence. There are just more cameras. People have been suffering for YEARS, undetected, unseen, unheard, out of mind. The black community is now taking a stand because enough is enough. This was bound to happen, people were bound to get fed up. It’s only going to get worse, much worse, before it ever gets better. What saddens me is that this is even still an issue. 2016…Forward thinkers….Innovators….Movers… Shakers…Yet, we still see all of this happening.

The land of the free?

Free, for who?

 

 

27

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I haven’t written in forever SORRY. Friday was my birthday and man am I creeping up in age. I get people all the time who are like “you’re ONLY 27”, but they’re just not understanding how I feel about this. I’m 27 and I don’t have much to show for it in my mind.

Yes, I have a gorgeous daughter and a loving boyfriend. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I haven’t died yet. Okay. When I was 16 I had a plan, a check list, an idea of where I would be at the glorious age of 27.

  1. Master’s in Psychology degree achieved, going for my doctorate. I was on the right track at 18 when I was taking SO many units in college and into my early twenties but I WILL finish this dream. Even if I have to attend college while my child is in college.
  2. Buy my own house, without a partner. All by myself. I had a house but I let HIM keep it.
  3. Find the love of my life. Which I did just in the nick of time.
  4. I know this one seems a bit petty but I really wanted to have that cookie cutter marriage and one child. ONE CHILD ACHIEVED AND IT’S AWESOME! But no marriage. Imagine if I would have married him? Ew.
  5. I would have traveled all of Europe and Australia by now.
  6. Attend more than 100 concerts (including festivals).
  7. Experience the Fado houses in Portugal.
  8. Attend a World Cup Match
  9. Start a blog (I did it! Not a successful one, but I wanted to find a healthier outlet)
  10. Be happy. Genuinely happy. You see I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot in my life to be happy about, don’t get me wrong. But there is so much that I need to change to make me genuinely 100% happy. Getting there.

 

The thing about this list is, I was young and stupid. Nothing ever goes as planned in life, and that’s okay as long as you GET IT DONE EVENTUALLY. Real life shit held me back. Not laziness, not a lack of motivation, but situations that I could and could not control. Looking back at this I’m realizing that I gave myself very little time to conquer the world and I’ve been beating myself up for it for years now. I need to cut myself a little slack, but that’s hard to do. I’m absolutely my worst critic and I don’t see that ever changing. Little by little I’m accomplishing these things and my list keeps growing. I AM grateful, I love my life, I LOVE my daughter, I love my partner, I love my true friends, but I’m having a hard time loving myself right now for multiple reasons. It makes things complicated when you don’t fully love yourself, I seriously mean that. I have to get back on track. I used to love myself and along the way I just got lost. Some days are better than others, some days I wake up and think – I wouldn’t want to be anybody else – and other days I just want to tear myself apart. I have to remind myself to be positive. Happy birthday to me and yay for self realization.

I’m at a stand still.

I need to move. Get it going, get it together.

Go.

My Village

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I was dumb once. I believed that all I needed was myself, my ex, and our daughter. I truly believed that we would last forever and that no one else was needed to make our live’s what we wanted it to be. No one else was needed to teach her, help her grow, and to fill her life with amazing memories.

Just us.

When I left Robert, I still believed that I could do it all by myself. Then…I pulled my head out of my ass. I grew up. I’m less stupid now, not completely void of stupidity, but definitely less stupid. I need my family, I need my friends, I need support. I don’t care what anyone else says, you need a village. A child needs a village. In a world filled with negativity and bad people, I want to surround my child with as many positive people and positive forces as possible.

I’ve always been thankful for those who have been there for me. When Victoria first started school, my grandmother volunteered to watch her for me after school and so did my Aunt. I appreciated this help so much, every day, I don’t know what I would have done without them. My grandmother is older now and is no longer able to help me with Victoria after her first year of school, which is absolutely understandable. Life happens. An old friend of mine chose to help me, and until this day, still watches Victoria for me while I’m at work. I cannot say thank you enough to her for how much she has helped me not only watch Victoria in the most basic sense of the word, but she’s also helped me raise Victoria. She’s helped me teach Victoria how to remain a good person, how to love unconditionally and care for others, which is what most parents strive to do for their children. It’s difficult in a world of outside influences from school, but it sure does help when the babysitter helps you bring your child back from LA LA land day to day.

My mother has helped immensely. We don’t get along that well but she is always willing to help me. She picks up Victoria when needed, drops her off, has given us a place to stay in our time of need, and has shown Victoria nothing but love. Really, she’s a great grandmother and Victoria loves her to death. My father is also a big part of my village. Just recently it was Father’s Field Day at Victoria’s school, of course her “dad” couldn’t attend and my dad gladly volunteered. They had such a blast together! He’s always willing to help me in any way that he can, I’m thankful for both of these people. We live in a time when we expect parents to always help their children when they’re in need, but the reality is they don’t have to.

My friends have been there to help me emotionally during these transitions in my life and I can’t thank them enough as well. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and they’re there to tell me that I’m being a dummy. That I’m stronger than I think and that if not for me, than for Victoria. Sometimes, even if we know it already, we just need to hear it. They’re there to take me away when I need some me time, they’re there to group text and make me laugh, they’re just there. Not everyone can say they have friends like that.

My beautiful love Michael helps me as well, always telling me to chin up and when I’m too weak to hold my head up, he’s always there to do it for me. I love you.

My sisters help me too, and as much as they gripe about it they do help. Whether it’s helping Victoria with homework, teaching her the art of sarcasm (not such a big fan of this one), keeping her entertained while I wind down, or picking her up from school. Thank you M G, I really do appreciate you guys.

This is my village, and it includes so many other people. I need this village. I cannot live without this village. I cannot give Victoria the quality of life that she deserves without this village. She will never feel left out or feel like something is missing with the combined strength that we all have to offer. Family means more than blood and I’m so happy to say that Victoria has a HUGE family and an even bigger support system. Both of us do.

 

Up/Down

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This week I’m feeling really down because of my upcoming mediation appointment (tomorrow). I feel like it isn’t going to turn out the way it needs to in order for Victoria to be comfortable, I can only have faith. Due to the fact that I’m feeling down and out of luck, I’ve decided to base this on everything I’m thankful for and everything that makes me happy. I need to counter this negativity with positivity, because despite all of the negative aspects of my life…There are far more positive qualities that I feel I should remind myself of.

  1. I suppose we should start with the obvious, I’m living. Well…I’m alive anyway.
  2. I have a family that semi-supports me.
  3. I have a daughter that is absolutely amazing. Intelligent, gorgeous beyond belief, hilarious, and she sets me straight. I love her to pieces and I am loving every second I spend with her. Watching her learn, her excitement when I say “time for math”, her eagerness to get it right the FIRST TIME or she has a total melt down (we’re working on that part). How much she loves me unconditionally and expresses it day to day, she even calls me her best friend. Now that’s a big deal. I know that no matter what happens tomorrow, she will love me and she will never forget everything I have done and will continue to do for her. She’s the coolest kid ever by the way. #sofashion
  4. Michael. My Michael. The man I thought I’d never meet, much less the man I thought I could never deserve. But I do. I deserve him. He is so selflessly there for me (even if he is my white cat…Inside joke). We share so much together. We can talk for hours and hours about everything and anything; we know so much about each other we ROCK at the Newlywed game LOL we’re not even Newlyweds but the game was forced on us. He is the only person in the whole wide world I can open myself up to, completely. He’s my down low partner in nerd crime. He loves me. He loves my daughter. He loves his children. He protects us and shows us what a man should really be like. He restored my faith in men, and made me a little less scared of the future, especially when Victoria starts dating. Every time I look at this man, it’s like I’m looking at him for the first time. He’s beautiful inside and out. I fall in love with him all over again, every day.
  5. I have a job. They hate me, but hey it’s there.
  6. I have friends who support me, put me in my place, and give me advice. You know who you are, I love you!
  7. I’m so so blonde right now, my hairdresser rocks.
  8. I have a networking team that is amazing, they’ve helped me with this process as well by giving me advice and pointing me in the right direction should I need a good lawyer.
  9. My sense of humor. My God have I needed a good sense of humor to deal with this shit.
  10. I’m not homeless.
  11. I can walk around and stuff, I mean I’m fat so it isn’t very fast, but I get there.
  12. Make up on point at least 85% of the time, which is pretty good if you ask me.
  13. I have a bright future ahead of me, and I know it.
  14. I have all of you who take the time out of your day to read my blogs, even if it’s just to snoop. Oh honey, you know who you are.
  15. I’m left handed meaning I’m smarter than most of you so BAM! Okay, that isn’t true. Being left handed is also extremely inconvenient in most cases.

Broken

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As I lay before you, legs spread wide

I notice your eyes scale down my sides

I used to be ashamed of these lines

These Marks

Proof of what I have stomached

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

As we argue, angry words exchanged

I can’t help but fear what’s ahead

The attitude spilling from within

This lack of remorse for what is being said

Only to protect myself

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

As I’m swallowed by my past

Consumed by my insecurity

I can’t put into words

The reasons for my immaturity

There is an explanation

But for that, I will not apologize.

 

You see, it’s always been difficult

For me to open my soul

I mean, beyond all things physical

I realize I’m hard to love

I’m broken

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

Despite of all these things

Regardless of my strong will

Even when my self loathing stings

You love me still

Others don’t understand

And for that, I will not apologize.

 

 

Please keep in mind that this is the first “poem” I’ve written since I was 13 or so. I don’t follow “rules”, I don’t put much thought into it, I just write. Like the rest of my blog, this just kind of came out and I chose to go with it.