Category Archives: Single Moms

27

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I haven’t written in forever SORRY. Friday was my birthday and man am I creeping up in age. I get people all the time who are like “you’re ONLY 27”, but they’re just not understanding how I feel about this. I’m 27 and I don’t have much to show for it in my mind.

Yes, I have a gorgeous daughter and a loving boyfriend. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I haven’t died yet. Okay. When I was 16 I had a plan, a check list, an idea of where I would be at the glorious age of 27.

  1. Master’s in Psychology degree achieved, going for my doctorate. I was on the right track at 18 when I was taking SO many units in college and into my early twenties but I WILL finish this dream. Even if I have to attend college while my child is in college.
  2. Buy my own house, without a partner. All by myself. I had a house but I let HIM keep it.
  3. Find the love of my life. Which I did just in the nick of time.
  4. I know this one seems a bit petty but I really wanted to have that cookie cutter marriage and one child. ONE CHILD ACHIEVED AND IT’S AWESOME! But no marriage. Imagine if I would have married him? Ew.
  5. I would have traveled all of Europe and Australia by now.
  6. Attend more than 100 concerts (including festivals).
  7. Experience the Fado houses in Portugal.
  8. Attend a World Cup Match
  9. Start a blog (I did it! Not a successful one, but I wanted to find a healthier outlet)
  10. Be happy. Genuinely happy. You see I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot in my life to be happy about, don’t get me wrong. But there is so much that I need to change to make me genuinely 100% happy. Getting there.

 

The thing about this list is, I was young and stupid. Nothing ever goes as planned in life, and that’s okay as long as you GET IT DONE EVENTUALLY. Real life shit held me back. Not laziness, not a lack of motivation, but situations that I could and could not control. Looking back at this I’m realizing that I gave myself very little time to conquer the world and I’ve been beating myself up for it for years now. I need to cut myself a little slack, but that’s hard to do. I’m absolutely my worst critic and I don’t see that ever changing. Little by little I’m accomplishing these things and my list keeps growing. I AM grateful, I love my life, I LOVE my daughter, I love my partner, I love my true friends, but I’m having a hard time loving myself right now for multiple reasons. It makes things complicated when you don’t fully love yourself, I seriously mean that. I have to get back on track. I used to love myself and along the way I just got lost. Some days are better than others, some days I wake up and think – I wouldn’t want to be anybody else – and other days I just want to tear myself apart. I have to remind myself to be positive. Happy birthday to me and yay for self realization.

I’m at a stand still.

I need to move. Get it going, get it together.

Go.

Freedom Isn’t Always a Good Thing

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He’s out.

As I was standing there, getting ready for bed, I received a phone call. My phone read “Robert”. I just let it ring, and ring as my throat closed up. It took me a while to really process what was happening, and I realized, he’s out. My ex has been released from prison, you can find my post about that whole situation >>> here . Before he was incarcerated, he was on trial for two years and he made my life hell. He was able to swindle 50/50 custody out of the court system and on top of that, made co-parenting extremely difficult. How did he manage to do that? He has a lawyer, hell he even took me to court while he was IN prison! If he cared about our daughter, he would know that it is in her best interest to be close to me because I absolutely love her so much. No. He does things for his own benefit, and just to hurt me. He doesn’t care about her well being, he doesn’t care about what makes her happy, he only cares about revenge. He’s upset because I never took him back (naturally) and now he’s upset because he actually got convicted (he was so sure he wouldn’t be because he thinks this is the Azores). Court is in April and I’m so scared, anxious, and nervous. I know I have my daughter’s best interest in mind, but he has a lawyer and money….And all I have is love. It’s crazy to see one parent try to take their children away from another parent, even when they know that parent absolutely loves their children. They just do it for personal gain, it’s sick. I know so many people who are like my ex in that sense, and they get away with it. Here’s hoping court goes well because I don’t think I could handle anymore bad news at this point.

 

Thank God for my amazing support system and the strength my gorgeous daughter gives me. I don’t know where I would be without it.

Self Destruction

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Why are people so self destructive? I don’t mean physically, really, I mean mentally. We often times are the creators of our own drama. So much is created inside of our heads, mostly because we care too much about others and we dwell too much on situations. Every day I come across conversations, people venting about their lives and situations. Too often do I hear women go on and on about a million ways their significant other is probably cheating on them. Too often do hear people talk about how horrible their lives are and how much better things would be if this or that just happened.

I’m guilty of this. My life would be easier if I won the lottery. My life would be easier if my ex would just drop dead. My life would be easier if people would just stop being assholes.

We sit here and are so inside of our heads, we just go on and on until we’ve driven ourselves crazy. Why do we do this? The world is crazy enough without us having to augment issues in our minds. Your boyfriend is cheating on you? Maybe? No? Perhaps? You will find out when the times comes, and if that time ever does come, then worry. Don’t just worry, leave the piece of shit. If you feel your life is so horrible, please take a moment and figure out what you can do to make it better. Now, as I’m typing this I’m figuring out ways to do this myself because I have a lot of improvements to make personally. I’m very self aware. I’m not going to give you the same advice everyone else does because it’s all shit.

“Your life is tough but think of Syria”.

“Your life is tough but think of Africa”.

“Your life is tough but think of the Holocaust”.

Shut the hell up.

Yes, there are many things that occur and have occurred in the world much worse than going bankrupt, losing your car, divorce, your children hating you and so on. Sure. That doesn’t make these problems any less real to YOU. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be upset about your situation. That DOES mean you should be proactive, because you do have control over your life. You have control of who you surround yourself with. You have control over who you let affect your emotions, your well being, YOUR SANITY. Don’t let situations make you feel like your LIFE is a mess, don’t let people have the power to hurt you. Especially selfish people, because they don’t care about you. Hell, they don’t even think about you because they’re so busy thinking about themselves.

I can feel my sanity slipping because of these people, why have I allowed this?

Why have you allowed this?

The Urge

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She had been living her life in a daze, twisting and turning with the motions as if in a a black sea of doubt and failure. She had people who claimed to love her, she had a beautiful daughter, and a decent job. She attempted to consume her misery by focusing on others and their happiness, but still, something was missing. She worked hours upon hours only to find no gratitude or growth in her path, but that was okay, because at least she had a job. She wasn’t homeless, yet. She wasn’t hopeless, yet.

She found someone who could lift her spirits, much like her daughter had been able to do, since birth. Then she found something different inside of her, something she couldn’t explain. Always analyzing, always fearful, doubtful, creating issues out of nothing. Creating issues out of something. So where does this leave her? Is it better to over analyze moments, actions, or lack there of…Or is it better to assume everything is fine until it blows up in her face? Again.

She could feel herself unraveling, coming undone. She was changing before her eyes, no longer caring about anyone else but her daughter. She didn’t care about what her parents thought, or siblings, or family…In fact she was one comment away from putting them all in their place. Holding up a mirror so they can see themselves, so they can realize how fucked up they are. So fucked up that anytime they dared to pinpoint her faults, she just laughed.

One morning, she woke up and began her day as she usually did. Convincing herself that it would be a better day, hiding her fears and insecurities behind makeup as she always has. Brushing her hair while in deep thought, planning out her day. She looks at her daughter, asleep and so peaceful, remembering a happier time and hoping her daughter never has to suffer. Every time she looks at her, her eyes swell up with tears; sometimes from sadness, others from joy and admiration. She looks away and begins to dress.

She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and looks away, never being able to make eye contact for reasons she still can’t seem to unfold. She decides that maybe that’s the problem, what is she so scared of? And then she looked in the mirror, staring deeply into her own eyes.

Lost.

Where are you? Where are you? She searches. She closes her eyes and then opens them again. Ah…There. There are you are. Hi. It’s been a while.

The Tank

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I picked up my daughter after work yesterday, like any other day. Her father called to speak with her from prison, which I allow, and they have exactly fifteen minutes to talk. I feel relieved that he called during our thirty minute commute back home because I needed a moment to myself to get over the crappy day I had; I always need a moment like this if I’ve had a bad day to make sure my attitude is positive around Victoria. Once finished, Victoria hands over the phone and I ask her about her day, as usual. We talk about the Thanksgiving lunch they had in class and she tells me all that she’s learned about the Pilgrims and Indians. I smile and tell her how much I love her. I always feel the need to reassure her, to make sure she understands that I will never leave her side…

“I love you…So, so much Victoria. I’m so proud of you honey.”

“I love you too Mãe. Thanks.”

“You’re my absolute best friend.”

“Mãe, you can’t be…You’re my mom.”

“What?! Sure I can!! I love you thiiiisssssss much!” *stretches arm out*

“Wooooow that’s a lot! Well I love you thiiiiiisssssssssss much more!” *extends both arms out* *pauses for a minute* “Actually…No.”

“Hmm…?”

“Actually Mommy…I have a tank!”

“I don’t understand amor.”

“Yeah. I have a tank inside of me. Actually Mãe, we all have tanks inside of us. I fill up my tank with love. Love for you, love for Avó, love for Avô, love for Pae and Titias and everyone!”

“Oh, is that right?”

“Yes! But my tank is mostly full of love for you mom. You’re my favorite mommy! But sometimes, my tank feels empty. Like when daddy doesn’t come and see me. But then! Then mommy comes and fills it up again! You’re a good tank filler mom.”

“Honey, daddy will see you soon. He loves you so much, he always wants to see you.”

“Yeah…Well…I know. It’s okay, I have you right? Always?”

“Yes, honey, always.”

“See! Mãe, do I fill up your tank?”

“As long as I have you, my tank is never empty”

She moved on to a different topic, as she normally takes control of our conversations. For some reason I couldn’t shake our previous conversation, I wondered where she got that from, or if she made it up on her own. A tank. My six year old has a better concept of how love works than most people, and how it affects us. We all have tanks that can be emptied and filled every day, depending on the circumstance. Some situations empty us, and others fill us, and some people do the same. We all have one, but is it empty? Full? Functioning? Cracked? Leaking? Who fills it? Who do we allow to empty it? Are we in control of this? I spent years with an empty tank not realizing that my “tank filler” was always there, staring up at me. Sitting there in all of her youth…And oddly, all of her wisdom. This little person teaches me something new every day.

I think what I would like to teach her down the line is that we shouldn’t rely on anyone to fill our tank…We should be able to fill that ourselves; everyone else is just the “top off”. How could I, when she’s the only one who fills my tank to the brim? Overflowing, making a beautiful mess inside me of emotions.

Is your tank full?

Father’s Day

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Father’s Day.

I love love love my pai. We had an extremely rocky upbringing with him, and up until 3 years ago, we didn’t exactly see eye to eye. But I’ve come to realize that he’s my rock and the only man I can trust. He’s been there for me through my recent turmoils, and continues to push me as a parent should. He’s too honest for his own good, he picks up bitches with nothing other than his awesome accent (without meaning to), and he loves me unconditionally (only after he stopped talking to me for 5 years, which is a completely different story). My ultimate test of forgiveness.

Anyway, enough with the sappy bullshit, let’s get down to business.

Father’s Day, as well as Mother’s Day, is every day. This is just a day where we have an excuse to dote on our parents and they don’t have to feel guilty about receiving gifts from us. All I saw this weekend was Facebook post after Facebook post of pictures of fathers who are still around or who have passed. For those who have lost their father, I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how much that must hurt, especially on this day. A reminder that he is no longer around to give that obligatory gift to, to take out to lunch, or to hug and say “I love you pops”. He may have missed walking you down the aisle, first child birth, achieving your master’s degree…Whatever it is. I feel the deepest sympathy for you.

You know who I don’t feel sorry for? Cry baby, pansy bitch, single moms. I’m a single mom. However, I chose to reserve this day for FATHERS only because it is FATHER’S DAY. It isn’t SingleMomDay or MyBabyDaddyAPunkDay or DeadBeatDadDay. F.A.T.H.E.R.S D.A.Y. I cannot tell you how many women posted “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ME”. Listen bitch, you don’t get two holidays. EQUAL RIGHTS! I almost wanted to comment “whoa whoa I didn’t know you grew a penis!”. I get it. Your baby daddy is a pot smoking, slut screwing, prison happy, meth selling asshole. Guess what? SO IS MINE! Well, two out of four anyway. However, I refuse to teach my child how to be petty and hateful. I will not teach her how to focus on the past, dwell on the negative or to keep hate in her heart. You hate your ex? Hey so do I! You’ve been raising your child/children on your own? I applaud you, so am I! But look at how stupid you look posting “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE WHO ARE DOING IT ALONE”, and tagging all of your friends who have dead beat baby daddies. Also, the “Happy Father’s Day to the REAL men who take care of their children, who step up to the plate!” crack me uuuuuup! Please shut up. Just because a father is “present” doesn’t make him a good parent. Let’s not assume that all of the men who decided to spend that particular day with their children, spend any time with their children outside of that.

You look weak.

Maybe I’m the only one who was bothered by this. As a single mom, I take pride in what I do, but I don’t sit there and blab on about how my child will turn out to be amazing because of me, myself and I. How I’m broke because, you know, it’s just me, myself and I. I get it. Why not be an independent woman and just do it ? Shut up. Quit the griping. Teach your child how to forgive, but never to forget. If you didn’t need him anyway, why is it such a big deal that he’s not around? Don’t give me the “well I’m upset for my child” bullshit. Your child will be upset about it when the time is right and they WILL get over it when the time is right. They will understand that they are okay. They are resilient. They will reach an age where they will understand why it all happened. They will realize that mom did her best and that’s all she could do. Don’t let your child look back and all they remember is you complaining about how hard it is to be a single mom. They’ll feel guilty, they’ll feel like it was their fault, they’ll feel hatred. And guess what? All of the negative feelings, will be your fault, not the sperm donor’s fault. I understand your anger but please just stop.

Have some self respect.