Category Archives: Shit Happens

27

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I haven’t written in forever SORRY. Friday was my birthday and man am I creeping up in age. I get people all the time who are like “you’re ONLY 27”, but they’re just not understanding how I feel about this. I’m 27 and I don’t have much to show for it in my mind.

Yes, I have a gorgeous daughter and a loving boyfriend. Yes, I have a good job. Yes, I haven’t died yet. Okay. When I was 16 I had a plan, a check list, an idea of where I would be at the glorious age of 27.

  1. Master’s in Psychology degree achieved, going for my doctorate. I was on the right track at 18 when I was taking SO many units in college and into my early twenties but I WILL finish this dream. Even if I have to attend college while my child is in college.
  2. Buy my own house, without a partner. All by myself. I had a house but I let HIM keep it.
  3. Find the love of my life. Which I did just in the nick of time.
  4. I know this one seems a bit petty but I really wanted to have that cookie cutter marriage and one child. ONE CHILD ACHIEVED AND IT’S AWESOME! But no marriage. Imagine if I would have married him? Ew.
  5. I would have traveled all of Europe and Australia by now.
  6. Attend more than 100 concerts (including festivals).
  7. Experience the Fado houses in Portugal.
  8. Attend a World Cup Match
  9. Start a blog (I did it! Not a successful one, but I wanted to find a healthier outlet)
  10. Be happy. Genuinely happy. You see I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot in my life to be happy about, don’t get me wrong. But there is so much that I need to change to make me genuinely 100% happy. Getting there.

 

The thing about this list is, I was young and stupid. Nothing ever goes as planned in life, and that’s okay as long as you GET IT DONE EVENTUALLY. Real life shit held me back. Not laziness, not a lack of motivation, but situations that I could and could not control. Looking back at this I’m realizing that I gave myself very little time to conquer the world and I’ve been beating myself up for it for years now. I need to cut myself a little slack, but that’s hard to do. I’m absolutely my worst critic and I don’t see that ever changing. Little by little I’m accomplishing these things and my list keeps growing. I AM grateful, I love my life, I LOVE my daughter, I love my partner, I love my true friends, but I’m having a hard time loving myself right now for multiple reasons. It makes things complicated when you don’t fully love yourself, I seriously mean that. I have to get back on track. I used to love myself and along the way I just got lost. Some days are better than others, some days I wake up and think – I wouldn’t want to be anybody else – and other days I just want to tear myself apart. I have to remind myself to be positive. Happy birthday to me and yay for self realization.

I’m at a stand still.

I need to move. Get it going, get it together.

Go.

Self Destruction

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Why are people so self destructive? I don’t mean physically, really, I mean mentally. We often times are the creators of our own drama. So much is created inside of our heads, mostly because we care too much about others and we dwell too much on situations. Every day I come across conversations, people venting about their lives and situations. Too often do I hear women go on and on about a million ways their significant other is probably cheating on them. Too often do hear people talk about how horrible their lives are and how much better things would be if this or that just happened.

I’m guilty of this. My life would be easier if I won the lottery. My life would be easier if my ex would just drop dead. My life would be easier if people would just stop being assholes.

We sit here and are so inside of our heads, we just go on and on until we’ve driven ourselves crazy. Why do we do this? The world is crazy enough without us having to augment issues in our minds. Your boyfriend is cheating on you? Maybe? No? Perhaps? You will find out when the times comes, and if that time ever does come, then worry. Don’t just worry, leave the piece of shit. If you feel your life is so horrible, please take a moment and figure out what you can do to make it better. Now, as I’m typing this I’m figuring out ways to do this myself because I have a lot of improvements to make personally. I’m very self aware. I’m not going to give you the same advice everyone else does because it’s all shit.

“Your life is tough but think of Syria”.

“Your life is tough but think of Africa”.

“Your life is tough but think of the Holocaust”.

Shut the hell up.

Yes, there are many things that occur and have occurred in the world much worse than going bankrupt, losing your car, divorce, your children hating you and so on. Sure. That doesn’t make these problems any less real to YOU. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be upset about your situation. That DOES mean you should be proactive, because you do have control over your life. You have control of who you surround yourself with. You have control over who you let affect your emotions, your well being, YOUR SANITY. Don’t let situations make you feel like your LIFE is a mess, don’t let people have the power to hurt you. Especially selfish people, because they don’t care about you. Hell, they don’t even think about you because they’re so busy thinking about themselves.

I can feel my sanity slipping because of these people, why have I allowed this?

Why have you allowed this?

The Urge

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She had been living her life in a daze, twisting and turning with the motions as if in a a black sea of doubt and failure. She had people who claimed to love her, she had a beautiful daughter, and a decent job. She attempted to consume her misery by focusing on others and their happiness, but still, something was missing. She worked hours upon hours only to find no gratitude or growth in her path, but that was okay, because at least she had a job. She wasn’t homeless, yet. She wasn’t hopeless, yet.

She found someone who could lift her spirits, much like her daughter had been able to do, since birth. Then she found something different inside of her, something she couldn’t explain. Always analyzing, always fearful, doubtful, creating issues out of nothing. Creating issues out of something. So where does this leave her? Is it better to over analyze moments, actions, or lack there of…Or is it better to assume everything is fine until it blows up in her face? Again.

She could feel herself unraveling, coming undone. She was changing before her eyes, no longer caring about anyone else but her daughter. She didn’t care about what her parents thought, or siblings, or family…In fact she was one comment away from putting them all in their place. Holding up a mirror so they can see themselves, so they can realize how fucked up they are. So fucked up that anytime they dared to pinpoint her faults, she just laughed.

One morning, she woke up and began her day as she usually did. Convincing herself that it would be a better day, hiding her fears and insecurities behind makeup as she always has. Brushing her hair while in deep thought, planning out her day. She looks at her daughter, asleep and so peaceful, remembering a happier time and hoping her daughter never has to suffer. Every time she looks at her, her eyes swell up with tears; sometimes from sadness, others from joy and admiration. She looks away and begins to dress.

She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and looks away, never being able to make eye contact for reasons she still can’t seem to unfold. She decides that maybe that’s the problem, what is she so scared of? And then she looked in the mirror, staring deeply into her own eyes.

Lost.

Where are you? Where are you? She searches. She closes her eyes and then opens them again. Ah…There. There are you are. Hi. It’s been a while.

I Rant Just To Rant

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I’ve decided that today is the day.

I will no longer be giving unsolicited advice, I will no longer put in my “2-cents”. I will listen and shut my fucking mouth. My biggest flaw is that I offer up advice without people asking me for it and I offer my opinion to people who are venting to me. For some insane reason, I assumed that if you are venting to me it’s because you’d like to hear my thoughts which is dumb because I don’t always want to hear other’s thoughts when I’m venting. Is there a special class that I can take at some dingy junior college that will teach me how to shut the hell up? If so, please place the details in the comments below. In reality, it isn’t my business. You are venting to me to vent, that’s it. When I vent to someone, I don’t always want their point of view, but I make it very clear that I don’t. I think what irritates me is when I give advice or my opinion and that person discards it or disagrees, only to turn around a week later and say they had an epiphany. What might this epiphany be you ask? Oh, only the same shit I said a week prior! Only they came up with it on their own, or they had a deep conversation with someone else who is so wise and in tune with the universe that they offered up THE SAME GOD DAMN ADVICE. Oh no, but I’m stupid and young and inexperienced. There’s no way I know what the hell I’m talking about, you know, because I’m stupid. I am stupid. Stupid for opening my damn mouth. So, from now on, I’m going to keep it shut. Instead of blabbing useless advice, I’m going to blog when I’m irritated or when I need to yap.

This, by no means, means I don’t want people to vent to me. I really do love being a shoulder to cry on or the “go to” person, because that means that person trusts me. However, I’ve made this stupid mistake over and over again and it only ends up hurting my own feelings or making me feel inadequate. Maybe I’m just broken. I’ve been mulling over that idea for weeks now. Like maybe I’m just not functioning correctly, maybe it’s supposed to be a part of everyone’s internal common sense to shut up unless asked and I just didn’t pick that up when I was born. I left it behind and there was no one to call to retrieve it, that darn common sense.

I really don’t even know where to start. If someone is venting and I’m quietly listening, suddenly it’s, “well you don’t want to hear about my problems” or “are you even paying attention?” or “never mind, just forget it”. If I start to give my opinion, I’m ignored, talked over, or told that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So maybe listening quietly and agreeing with everything that person is saying is where I should start.

“Yes, absolutely, dump him. He totally shouldn’t have eaten your last pot sticker, the bastard.”

“He told you the grass wasn’t greener on the other side? What the hell does he know? He was raised in the desert for heaven’s sake, you’re right!”

“Uh huh, yep, *grunt*”

kbye

Unrequited Love

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I saw this interesting video today about unrequited love;it was meant to be funny, and it was. But then I got to thinking. Most of the time when one thinks of unrequited love, we think of a one sided love that the other side is not aware of. Maybe you’re in love with your best friend and they aren’t aware of it, or you have a crush on someone who might have a crush on you back but you’re too scared to admit to this, leaving the two of you in a permanent “friend zone” vortex. These are common scenarios, but I realized that this is true for a lot of different situations. What’s worse? A love in which the other person isn’t aware of, leaving you to wonder for the rest of your life “what if”? Or…Loving someone who is fully aware of your love for them, and they neither throw you away nor keep you. You’re just there.

See, I know many who are in relationships where the love is 100% one sided, yet that person won’t leave. They’re treated as if there are a hundred million things that other person would rather be doing than stand in the same room as them let alone be in a relationship with them. Yet, there they are, Facebook official. All smiley and shit on their feed pictures but miserable behind the screen. There’s a particular couple I know who comes to mind and every time I think about it I feel so angry and sad that she is allowing this to happen to her. He was seemingly great at first and then his attitude changed and she was left wondering what happened. She would vent about how he didn’t care about her, how he chose his friends over her, how he was a cheater, etc. She would ask why he didn’t just leave, why lead her on? Why cheat? Why waste her time? I had to keep explaining to her that a love that is not reciprocated, is not a love worth having. That there are other people out there. She shouldn’t let herself get pushed around or used in such a way.

It’s such a childish thing to me, to be in a relationship you’re not happy in (unless there’s mental illness or emotional disease involved then I understand to a degree). These selfish people always wait until the other person is at the very end of their rope, ready to jump, to grow the balls to leave. Why hurt someone so purposefully? Why let someone feel that way, every second of every day, like life is just going to blow up in their face at any moment? I could never understand why people could have such a lack of self respect to let another treat them any less than they deserve.

We’re not all perfect, but no one deserves to have their time wasted or their heart toyed with. Maybe my mind is just not wise enough to grasp the concept that not everyone has the ability to be honest or to do good. That people really do get a kick out of messing with other people’s emotions. They’re completely capable of saying one thing and doing the opposite. They’re okay with lying to your face. They’re okay with watching you cry. They’re fine with witnessing the struggle in your eyes as you try to love them with every ounce of your being. Clawing at a relationship that will never evolve. Emptiness.

Have you ever searched for someone in a crowded room only to find out they were searching for you too, and there’s that moment of relief that you’ve found each other? Now imagine that same scenario, only that person is looking for someone else.

Unrequited Love. Tragic.

I Used To Be You

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I used to be you.

I used to be that girl who would walk around talking about how boring her life was. How things weren’t going anywhere with her boyfriend. How annoying he was. How college sucked. How lucky her friends are that they’re single. How the apartment wasn’t big enough, her car wasn’t nice enough, she didn’t make enough money.

“Why does he do that?”

“UGH I’m dreading school today”

“Gah he’s getting on my nerves”

After moving in together I would talk about him to my family. All I would tell them was the negative, so that when he did come around all they ever saw in him was the bad. We bought a beautiful home, we had it all. All I ever did was complain, complain, complain. The only thing I never complained about was when we had Victoria Isabel. She was the definition of perfection. She was a quiet baby and the only person in the world I couldn’t possibly grow tired of.

Until the day came, when all I had WAS my daughter. I lost everything that I had to complain about, and even though he really was a bad person and material things really don’t matter….It still sucked. Despite the fact that Victoria’s unconditional love kept me afloat, something was missing. She won’t be around me forever, to keep my head above water.

To keep me sane.

As a woman, something is just missing. My friends are all getting married and God am I happy for them. They have the kind of love people only dream of. They’ve finished school. They have their degrees.

I want my masters in Psychology. I want to be successful. I want to not need anyone to help me financially, ever. I want to be able to help my parents if they need it. I want to be able to pay for Victoria’s tuition….Because she won’t have a choice. I want to show my daughter, and young girls everywhere, that women who have struggled can make it. I want to own my own shit.

I want to be pestered, I want someone to smother me, I want someone to love me so much they become frustrated with me. It’s been 3 years and I want someone to talk shit to, to love, to pester, to become frustrated with. I want to nag him about putting his socks away, I want him to be my taste tester and laugh at me when something doesn’t come out right. I want take my time getting ready and hear his sighs of frustration as I curl my hair. I want to wake up to his nasty morning breath and kiss him anyway. I want to bicker about restaurant choices and wedding planning. I want to dance the night away and come home drunk together. I want him to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck as I do the dishes. I want to talk his ear off about my day. I want to make love to him and remind him of how much I love him in every way, shape, and form. I want him to love my daughter unconditionally, and treat her like his own. I want to have children together. I want to gang up on our children and show them that we’re a team. I want to post sappy pictures of us on Facebook and Instagram. I want to have corny photoshoots with bunny eared children and stupid orchard blossoms in the background. I want to grin stupidly while he kisses my forehead. I want to never tell a soul about our problems without resolving them first, then hear him gripe because I told my best aunt and best friend. I want to go camping together and watch him make fun of how anal I am about dirt. I want to meet his family. I want them to like me. I want mine to like him. I want to have a fucking pet even though I fucking hate pets. I want to wake him up at 6:30 in the morning with the vacuum and my Fado music. I want to sing my heart out and hear him tell me I have a beautiful voice even though I sound like a dying crow. I want to laugh at his ridiculous jokes, and bicker about who paid what bill. I want to post love quotes and blog about our endless, gross, starstruck love. I want to vent about work together over ice cold beer and dinner.

I want to stop fucking complaining.

I want you to stop fucking complaining.

If you have someone who loves you enough to stick around through all of your crap and he/she is good to you, then take the time to tell them you appreciate them. Don’t talk about the negative to all who will listen. Lift your partner up, make them feel loved and they’re sure to return the courtesy.

If you aren’t dead, starving, or blind…Appreciate all that you have and pray that it only gets better.

Positive vibes are what will get you by.

Dating Chronicles Part 6 – The Clinger

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We’ve all been through this, heck at one point, we’ve even wished we had it.

The Clinger.

We met online and he seemed just fine; he was funny, sweet, compassionate, nerdy, and he had a darling little girl. We text all day long and I mean all day long. I thought it was cute at first, all the texting, then I realized how excessive it was. If I didn’t respond right away he’d send another, then another, then another. I’m about to sound like one of those women who doesn’t know what the hell she wants, and sometimes I really don’t know what I want. I just know there needs to be a balance. He was too nice, eerily so. Compliments all day long, texting all day long, just niceness all day long.

So we met.

He was cute in a dorky way, not really my type, but he was nice. We talked for hours and I had no idea where the time had gone. I liked spending time with him but I didn’t feel anything towards him romantically. We continued to text but never saw each other again, mostly because I didn’t put forth the effort to see him. Which is because I’m a total bitch, but I really didn’t mean to be, I just didn’t want to invest so much time in someone I wasn’t all that interested in. Weeks went by with the texting and I would text him less. Finally one day I just laid it out there, let him know that I didn’t know what it was exactly, but I just couldn’t see him in a romantic way. He was hurt and upset which I didn’t understand since we had only hung out once, but that brings it back to him just being a nice guy. And sensitive. Really sensitive. He also had soft looking hands which always bothers me.

I also think the fact that he agreed with everything I said bothered me. Or the fact that I would post a picture of waffles and suddenly he would text me and be like good morning I just had waffles. Uhhhhh…? Strange occurrences like that one led me to believe that a lot of his personality was fake. I always felt he was lying about something or not being completely truthful about certain things. Overall, really strange. I ended up meeting someone I was actually romantically interested in and I wanted to invest my time in that one person, I think that’s what pushed my action to just cut off any thoughts of a relationship with this person. He sent me a text saying that things wouldn’t be the same, he wouldn’t text me as often, he would merely “like” my Facebook statuses and look at my Snapchat. This made me laugh, it was completely juvenile but I said “okay” and kept it short. A day later, guess who’s power texting me again? Guess who’s trying to pursue something that isn’t there, again? Yes sir! You guessed it correctly! I kept my responses extremely short, if I responded at all. Finally he sent me a text saying, I can’t do this, this isn’t a friendship. I just said “ok” again and we never spoke again.

Thank.

God.

Am I being petty? Maybe. I just think everyone should be honest at all times.

Wana know the worst part? The one guy I was romantically interested in, in years, is no longer interested in me.

Aint that a bitch?