Monthly Archives: December 2015

The Urge

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She had been living her life in a daze, twisting and turning with the motions as if in a a black sea of doubt and failure. She had people who claimed to love her, she had a beautiful daughter, and a decent job. She attempted to consume her misery by focusing on others and their happiness, but still, something was missing. She worked hours upon hours only to find no gratitude or growth in her path, but that was okay, because at least she had a job. She wasn’t homeless, yet. She wasn’t hopeless, yet.

She found someone who could lift her spirits, much like her daughter had been able to do, since birth. Then she found something different inside of her, something she couldn’t explain. Always analyzing, always fearful, doubtful, creating issues out of nothing. Creating issues out of something. So where does this leave her? Is it better to over analyze moments, actions, or lack there of…Or is it better to assume everything is fine until it blows up in her face? Again.

She could feel herself unraveling, coming undone. She was changing before her eyes, no longer caring about anyone else but her daughter. She didn’t care about what her parents thought, or siblings, or family…In fact she was one comment away from putting them all in their place. Holding up a mirror so they can see themselves, so they can realize how fucked up they are. So fucked up that anytime they dared to pinpoint her faults, she just laughed.

One morning, she woke up and began her day as she usually did. Convincing herself that it would be a better day, hiding her fears and insecurities behind makeup as she always has. Brushing her hair while in deep thought, planning out her day. She looks at her daughter, asleep and so peaceful, remembering a happier time and hoping her daughter never has to suffer. Every time she looks at her, her eyes swell up with tears; sometimes from sadness, others from joy and admiration. She looks away and begins to dress.

She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and looks away, never being able to make eye contact for reasons she still can’t seem to unfold. She decides that maybe that’s the problem, what is she so scared of? And then she looked in the mirror, staring deeply into her own eyes.

Lost.

Where are you? Where are you? She searches. She closes her eyes and then opens them again. Ah…There. There are you are. Hi. It’s been a while.

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Christmas

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Christmas is upon us people. A time in which giving is in our hearts. Homeless shelters, family, give give GIVE! A time to spend with our families, to sit around the table and eat yummy food. A time to enjoy the company of close and extended family, where we sing and dance and are merry! A time in which we teach our children about Christmas and what it means, the incarnation of God! In the flesh! He is born! WOOOOOO!

 

No.

 

 

Christmas is upon us. People spending copious amounts of money on their greedy little asshole children, hearing them wail on Christmas morning because they didn’t get the Nathan Drake Collection Playstation 4 they just got the boring normal one that only cost $300! Teenagers crying because they got clothes instead of the Tiffany Diamond earrings they’ve just been DYING to get. Wives putting up with their shitty mother-in-law’s opinions on whether or not the mashed potatoes have enough salt. Cousins smoking pot in the backyard while their parents go on and on about how horrible it is that Uncle Greg is still on meth. Parents who share custody of children, dangling kids over each other’s heads, no you can’t see them today…Maybe after Christmas. Christmas is about GIFTS and DRINKING and TALKING SHIT about aunt Pam and her cheating husband. Sure, let’s go to the soup kitchen before Christmas and serve so we can teach our children ONCE A YEAR how to give back to the community. Let me give this guy $5 to feed his addiction during Christmas time to show everyone in this parking lot that I’m a good person.

Mommy? Why do we celebrate Christmas?

Oh honey, to celebrate the birth of Christ.

Really? Can you tell me more about it?

Honey, go play.

And BAM! There it is.

 

What’s even worse? People who EXPECT gifts from you, whether it’s because they’re family or it’s because they’re friends. My BEST friends do not expect gifts from me and vice versa. In fact, we don’t get each other gifts for Christmas, birthdays, etc. If we do give gifts it’s because we just decided to, out of nowhere, not expecting anything in return. Just to do it. If I give you a gift and you’re family, it’s because I’m obligated to do so. My mother never uses or likes anything I give her. My dad only gets gift cards because he’s complicated. My sisters are just as picky but grateful for the most part. My grandmother I give to because she genuinely appreciates it and my favorite aunt would appreciate a cork board if I gave it to her, the woman is so down to Earth. I only get my daughter 2-3 gifts, and it’s typically clothes. I don’t expect anything from anyone, ever. Her father never bought me ONE gift, ever, for any occasion. I don’t care about it. If I buy friends a gift it’s because I found something I thought they’d really like and decided to buy it, a fluke if you will. Or if they’ve expressed interest in something specific, I’ll surprise them. I don’t like to be made or guilted into doing things, so I don’t guilt others into doing anything.

My family’s Christmas parties include talking shit, drinking, talking more shit, and being fake. Hi, I’m going to pretend I didn’t talk shit about you earlier today. Hi, yep your daughter still looks like she doesn’t belong to your ex. Hi, your new boyfriends is hot *squeeze*. There are only a small handful of family members who aren’t fake, and I appreciate you all…So much.

 

And of course this, this happened every time we were on our way to visit family when I was a teenager. 

My mother even said “make sure you buy something nice for yourself to wear on Christmas”. Uhhh, I was literally JUST thinking about wearing a Unicorn onesie and now she hits me with this bullshit?! I love dressing up, but why am I going to dress up just to go to my aunt’s house and sit on the damn couch. “You don’t want anyone to think that you’re poor and you don’t take care of yourself”. FOO I AM POOR! And I DO take care of myself! I just don’t feel like wearing heels all day and night while listening to my aunts scream (talk) at each other because I might chuck one at them.

*breathe*

 

Next week is Christmas. I’ll get through this. We will all get through this…