Monthly Archives: November 2015

The Tank

Standard

I picked up my daughter after work yesterday, like any other day. Her father called to speak with her from prison, which I allow, and they have exactly fifteen minutes to talk. I feel relieved that he called during our thirty minute commute back home because I needed a moment to myself to get over the crappy day I had; I always need a moment like this if I’ve had a bad day to make sure my attitude is positive around Victoria. Once finished, Victoria hands over the phone and I ask her about her day, as usual. We talk about the Thanksgiving lunch they had in class and she tells me all that she’s learned about the Pilgrims and Indians. I smile and tell her how much I love her. I always feel the need to reassure her, to make sure she understands that I will never leave her side…

“I love you…So, so much Victoria. I’m so proud of you honey.”

“I love you too Mãe. Thanks.”

“You’re my absolute best friend.”

“Mãe, you can’t be…You’re my mom.”

“What?! Sure I can!! I love you thiiiisssssss much!” *stretches arm out*

“Wooooow that’s a lot! Well I love you thiiiiiisssssssssss much more!” *extends both arms out* *pauses for a minute* “Actually…No.”

“Hmm…?”

“Actually Mommy…I have a tank!”

“I don’t understand amor.”

“Yeah. I have a tank inside of me. Actually Mãe, we all have tanks inside of us. I fill up my tank with love. Love for you, love for Avó, love for Avô, love for Pae and Titias and everyone!”

“Oh, is that right?”

“Yes! But my tank is mostly full of love for you mom. You’re my favorite mommy! But sometimes, my tank feels empty. Like when daddy doesn’t come and see me. But then! Then mommy comes and fills it up again! You’re a good tank filler mom.”

“Honey, daddy will see you soon. He loves you so much, he always wants to see you.”

“Yeah…Well…I know. It’s okay, I have you right? Always?”

“Yes, honey, always.”

“See! Mãe, do I fill up your tank?”

“As long as I have you, my tank is never empty”

She moved on to a different topic, as she normally takes control of our conversations. For some reason I couldn’t shake our previous conversation, I wondered where she got that from, or if she made it up on her own. A tank. My six year old has a better concept of how love works than most people, and how it affects us. We all have tanks that can be emptied and filled every day, depending on the circumstance. Some situations empty us, and others fill us, and some people do the same. We all have one, but is it empty? Full? Functioning? Cracked? Leaking? Who fills it? Who do we allow to empty it? Are we in control of this? I spent years with an empty tank not realizing that my “tank filler” was always there, staring up at me. Sitting there in all of her youth…And oddly, all of her wisdom. This little person teaches me something new every day.

I think what I would like to teach her down the line is that we shouldn’t rely on anyone to fill our tank…We should be able to fill that ourselves; everyone else is just the “top off”. How could I, when she’s the only one who fills my tank to the brim? Overflowing, making a beautiful mess inside me of emotions.

Is your tank full?

I Rant Just To Rant

Standard

I’ve decided that today is the day.

I will no longer be giving unsolicited advice, I will no longer put in my “2-cents”. I will listen and shut my fucking mouth. My biggest flaw is that I offer up advice without people asking me for it and I offer my opinion to people who are venting to me. For some insane reason, I assumed that if you are venting to me it’s because you’d like to hear my thoughts which is dumb because I don’t always want to hear other’s thoughts when I’m venting. Is there a special class that I can take at some dingy junior college that will teach me how to shut the hell up? If so, please place the details in the comments below. In reality, it isn’t my business. You are venting to me to vent, that’s it. When I vent to someone, I don’t always want their point of view, but I make it very clear that I don’t. I think what irritates me is when I give advice or my opinion and that person discards it or disagrees, only to turn around a week later and say they had an epiphany. What might this epiphany be you ask? Oh, only the same shit I said a week prior! Only they came up with it on their own, or they had a deep conversation with someone else who is so wise and in tune with the universe that they offered up THE SAME GOD DAMN ADVICE. Oh no, but I’m stupid and young and inexperienced. There’s no way I know what the hell I’m talking about, you know, because I’m stupid. I am stupid. Stupid for opening my damn mouth. So, from now on, I’m going to keep it shut. Instead of blabbing useless advice, I’m going to blog when I’m irritated or when I need to yap.

This, by no means, means I don’t want people to vent to me. I really do love being a shoulder to cry on or the “go to” person, because that means that person trusts me. However, I’ve made this stupid mistake over and over again and it only ends up hurting my own feelings or making me feel inadequate. Maybe I’m just broken. I’ve been mulling over that idea for weeks now. Like maybe I’m just not functioning correctly, maybe it’s supposed to be a part of everyone’s internal common sense to shut up unless asked and I just didn’t pick that up when I was born. I left it behind and there was no one to call to retrieve it, that darn common sense.

I really don’t even know where to start. If someone is venting and I’m quietly listening, suddenly it’s, “well you don’t want to hear about my problems” or “are you even paying attention?” or “never mind, just forget it”. If I start to give my opinion, I’m ignored, talked over, or told that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So maybe listening quietly and agreeing with everything that person is saying is where I should start.

“Yes, absolutely, dump him. He totally shouldn’t have eaten your last pot sticker, the bastard.”

“He told you the grass wasn’t greener on the other side? What the hell does he know? He was raised in the desert for heaven’s sake, you’re right!”

“Uh huh, yep, *grunt*”

kbye

The Ramblings of a Crazy Woman

Standard

I’m feeling strange today so I’ve decided I want to just ramble. I had a strong urge in my chest to write, but I didn’t know where to start or what to end with. I just needed to. Has anyone ever felt this way? Hmm, maybe I am crazy. What’s going on in my head right now you might be asking, or not. I mean, how dare I be so pompous as to think that anyone gives two ducks about what’s going on in my head, or maybe you do. I dunno.

  • Why do people hurt others purposefully? It just feels like a whole lot of effort and energy being put into something so negative and counter productive. What’s worse is people do it to the ones they claim to love or care for and then it’s really confusing! Say what you mean and mean what you say. I’m not sure it gets easier than that .There’s enough hurtful shit going on in the world yet here we are…Wasting time on being hateful.
  • My job is really the most unfulfilling, fulfilling sounding job ever. I mean, I deal with things that are literally not in my job description. Why? Because I have hopes of moving up and out. I’m not sure my hard work is paying off nor is it being noticed, actually, I’m pretty sure it isn’t. Here you go, thousands of dollars above budget, thanks for the smile and the “good job”. “Victoria, here, mommy brought you a ‘good job’. It should keep you full for weeks!” And where has the common sense gone? No really, I don’t remember being that damn stupid at that age. Careless, sure. Downright dumb, I really don’t think so. To some, maybe.
  • Why are people so inconsiderate? Hey you, yeah you, I’m going to make direct eye contact with you before letting this door shut right behind me; you’re young and agile, open it yourself. Oh your mother just died? Mine did 10 years ago, you’ll be fine, really.
  • What makes a man? Is it the bulge in his pants? The hair on his chest? The responsibilities he takes on? The way he treats his wife? The way he treats his family? Paying bills? Attitude? This is a genuine question, I mean, I hear often “well I’m a man dammit!”. Uhhh….K. Not sure why it’s so important to say out loud for most men, but there it is. I’M A WOMAN!
  • Why do people delete posts on Facebook after posting them? Why not really think before posting? Actually, why not think before speaking period? Too often do people say things and then say OOPS I’m sorry, I was just upset. What they don’t realize is it’s been done. The damage is there, whatever it was. That person won’t forget what was said and it can potentially change their attitude towards you forever. Damn that escalated quickly.
  • Do people really fall out of love out of nowhere? Or is it a combination of occurrences that drives that person to slowly fall out of love and not realize it until it’s completely diminished? I never understood that. For me, personally, I either feel it or I don’t. There’s no in between, there’s no backing out unless something traumatic like cheating happens or hitting, etc. I can’t just “unlove” someone. Even if I leave that person for various reasons like disrespect of any kind, it still wouldn’t be because I don’t love them. That would linger until I hated that person so much that my love turned into anger. Maybe that’s what happens, we get so angry that our love evaporates into thin air and is replaced by poison. But why get to that without communicating? Or maybe you did communicate your concerns and that person didn’t care enough to change or consider what you were saying. Hmm…
  • Why are we JUST getting rain in California? It’s November people! We’re way past due! Thank goodness for this rain!!!!!!! I love rain.
  • Why am I so intimidating? NO really, lately people have been telling me that. Resting bitch face? Well damn, I can’t help it! Cut me some slack!
  • I just realized a lot of shit happens in my head in a very short amount of time and I don’t think it’s normal. Maybe I’ll donate my live body to science. Then again, why be robotic and have no thoughts? I think I’d rather have too many than not enough. It’d be almost scary to have empty space in there, like *knock knock* cacaaawwwwww!
  • Anybody else agree that this country has become a big ass circus shit show? I mean, Donald Trump.
  • When people ask you what’s wrong do they really want to know? I mean, is it a common courtesy to ask that? Or is it rude? I mean, it is a bit nosy to ask unless that person is close to you and even then are they prepared to hear about your shit day or family or relationship or job or the shitty yogurt you had for breakfast. I mean I have days where I just don’t want to hear it but then again I don’t ask. Just don’t ask dammit.
  • I really love salad. I really really do.

Unrequited Love

Standard

I saw this interesting video today about unrequited love;it was meant to be funny, and it was. But then I got to thinking. Most of the time when one thinks of unrequited love, we think of a one sided love that the other side is not aware of. Maybe you’re in love with your best friend and they aren’t aware of it, or you have a crush on someone who might have a crush on you back but you’re too scared to admit to this, leaving the two of you in a permanent “friend zone” vortex. These are common scenarios, but I realized that this is true for a lot of different situations. What’s worse? A love in which the other person isn’t aware of, leaving you to wonder for the rest of your life “what if”? Or…Loving someone who is fully aware of your love for them, and they neither throw you away nor keep you. You’re just there.

See, I know many who are in relationships where the love is 100% one sided, yet that person won’t leave. They’re treated as if there are a hundred million things that other person would rather be doing than stand in the same room as them let alone be in a relationship with them. Yet, there they are, Facebook official. All smiley and shit on their feed pictures but miserable behind the screen. There’s a particular couple I know who comes to mind and every time I think about it I feel so angry and sad that she is allowing this to happen to her. He was seemingly great at first and then his attitude changed and she was left wondering what happened. She would vent about how he didn’t care about her, how he chose his friends over her, how he was a cheater, etc. She would ask why he didn’t just leave, why lead her on? Why cheat? Why waste her time? I had to keep explaining to her that a love that is not reciprocated, is not a love worth having. That there are other people out there. She shouldn’t let herself get pushed around or used in such a way.

It’s such a childish thing to me, to be in a relationship you’re not happy in (unless there’s mental illness or emotional disease involved then I understand to a degree). These selfish people always wait until the other person is at the very end of their rope, ready to jump, to grow the balls to leave. Why hurt someone so purposefully? Why let someone feel that way, every second of every day, like life is just going to blow up in their face at any moment? I could never understand why people could have such a lack of self respect to let another treat them any less than they deserve.

We’re not all perfect, but no one deserves to have their time wasted or their heart toyed with. Maybe my mind is just not wise enough to grasp the concept that not everyone has the ability to be honest or to do good. That people really do get a kick out of messing with other people’s emotions. They’re completely capable of saying one thing and doing the opposite. They’re okay with lying to your face. They’re okay with watching you cry. They’re fine with witnessing the struggle in your eyes as you try to love them with every ounce of your being. Clawing at a relationship that will never evolve. Emptiness.

Have you ever searched for someone in a crowded room only to find out they were searching for you too, and there’s that moment of relief that you’ve found each other? Now imagine that same scenario, only that person is looking for someone else.

Unrequited Love. Tragic.