I’ll be the first to say it…I’m fucking nuts.
I talk too much. I laugh too much. I’m too loud. I’m obnoxious. I confuse myself. I confuse others. I avoid confrontation. I like to give affection and receive it. I’m laid back. I like to have fun. Sometimes I like to drink too much wine at dinner. Sometimes I like to sit at home and read. I love being around my daughter. I love being around my boyfriend. I love being around my family. I love to have fun and sing out of tune. I love hugging and being held. I mask my sadness with a smile and I hide my lack of self esteem with a head held high and a confident strut.
But sometimes….Sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I’ll call you out. Sometimes I’ll sit quietly, inside of my head. Sometimes things will bother me that shouldn’t bother me. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably in the shower, take a deep breath, and compose myself before going to work. Sometimes I want to give advice, other times I regret opening my mouth. Sometimes I don’t want to have a beer. Sometimes I don’t want to go out. Sometimes I don’t want to be surrounded by people. Sometimes I get social anxiety and find it hard to breathe in a crowd. Sometimes I don’t want to make decisions. Sometimes I don’t want to burden others with my shit. Sometimes I don’t want to be around anyone at all, I just want to sit by myself and not worry about anything or anyone. Just sit. At the beach, or in my home or at a park or anywhere. Sometimes I nag and complain and let small things hurt my feelings. Sometimes I watch the news and it ruins my entire day and I’ll take it out on people because the world is shit these days.
I’m sensitive. My feelings get hurt and I won’t always say it. I work through things alone and get over them. This is hard for people to understand because usually I’m so open about how I feel and about my thoughts. I am someone who has different sides to her, someone who isn’t always the same and who doesn’t always react to things in the same manner. I’m complicated, sentimental, lovable, honest, loyal, decent, generous, likable, and lonely. My personality is not split; it’s shredded. I love hard and then second guess myself twenty times a day because I’m scared. Of myself mostly. I ruin things without realizing it, I hurt people’s feelings unintentionally and then I get upset when they’re upset. I expect to be understood, I expect people to read my mind and know what’s wrong and then just leave me alone. Sometimes I don’t want people to ask me what’s wrong, let me stew in my own dramatic bullshit. I don’t like depending on others to make me feel better or to hear me out because I’m not used to it. I don’t want to vent and get the “oh wow I totally understand” *head nod* response I’ve been given in the past.
I’m irrational, and sometimes someone just needs to tell me that I’m being ridiculous and smack me upside the head. Or tell me that my thoughts aren’t as crazy as I feel they are, and hold me. I don’t like to cry in front of people and when I do sometimes I want to lock myself in a closet until the embarrassment and shame of being so weak washes away.