Lost.

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I’m lost.

I don’t understand what I want, what I need, where I’m going. I don’t get it. I’m usually so sure of myself, I usually know exactly where I’m headed. I always have a game plan, have a goal. I’m lost.

I just don’t know.

Sometimes I wake up in the loveliest mood, then suddenly I just don’t know how to feel. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m happy, I’m lost.

What do I want? Am I ready for a relationship? Have I been a good enough mother? I feel guilty. I feel at fault for all that is wrong in the world. I’m lost.

What am I like? Am I funny? Am I serious? Am I professional? Am I likable? Am I an asset? Do I contribute to society in a positive way? Am I pretty? Am I ugly? Am I fat? Am I just right? I’m lost.

I’m not worried about what other’s think of me, I’m worried about how I feel about myself.

I just don’t know.

Am I good at my job? Is this where I want to be? Is this what’s right for me? Maybe I’m not financially ready to keep living alone. Maybe I should move and save money. I’m lost.

How do people do it? How do people make enough for a new car, a new house, to wear the most expensive clothes, off of a minimum wage job? Surely I can do it. Can I? Why not? I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

Will my daughter want to go to college? Will she love me the way I love her? Will she abandon me at 18? Will she blame me for all that is wrong in the world? Does she realize how hard I try? Will she let me teach her everything I know? Will she be open minded? Will she be accepting? Will she know that the choices I make are for her well being? Will she be easily influenced by loose tongues? Will she let boys make her cry? Will she be independent? Will she be anything like me? God I hope not. I’m lost.

Is he right for me? Should I wait for someone to come along who makes me feel more? Is this settling? What does love feel like? What does the real thing really feel like? Am I just lonely? I’m lost.

Do I ramble? Do I talk too much? Do people listen? I’m a bit loud. I just can’t help it. Am I boring? Do I have good intentions? Should I go back to church? Do I truly believe in my religion? Where has my faith gone? It’s in there somewhere. God help me. I’m lost.

I just don’t know.

I’m lost.

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About amorefado

I am a mother of a gorgeous, intelligent, 7 year old daughter. I was raised in the Central Valley, California. My parents are immigrants from the Azores and I speak Portuguese (as well as Spanish) fluently. I've grown a lot in the last 4 years and I plan on doing a lot more of that. I love to laugh and make people laugh. I'm scatter brained. I'm 27, and I'm on a journey to find myself. I'm also here to entertain you with all of my randomness. You will love my posts or hate my posts, either way I write for myself. I am infatuated with music and unicorns (I own socks people, socks). I'm a huge asshole who loves everyone and cries about things that probably don't matter to anyone else.

2 responses »

  1. They say “if you don’t know where you’re headed any road will take you there.” They say “right smack in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives you a fairytale.” They say “when you don’t know what you want you somehow suddenly find everything you need.” They say a lot of things, but it’s always in hindsight. I like to think of the confusing days this way; think not of how far you have left to go, but how far you’ve come. Revel in the fact that you don’t know where you are. When nothing is certain, everything is an option. It’s OK to be lost. Because in the dark there may be fear, but there is also hope. Good luck with the tough moments! I think you’re doing absolutely incredibly. & I have a sneaky suspicion I’m not the only one who feels that way. Love ya!

    Liked by 1 person

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