Monthly Archives: April 2015

Dating Chronicles Part 9 – Passionately Fake

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This is one of my more embarrassing posts. You’re going to take a look inside of this crazy fucking brain that I own, and this twisted fucking heart that has taken over my crazy fucking brain and I’m just mush.

I met Tariq online. We didn’t hit it off right away, we butted heads, we talked shit, yet we couldn’t bring ourselves to block each other. I think it had a lot to do with my big Portuguese personality and his pompous Persian attitude. We talked for a day via text and then he decided to FaceTime me and we talked for three hours. About what? Nothing. Everything. He moved to California from Washington D.C. to start up a new company that he assumed would do well here. We hit it off so well we decided to go out that upcoming Saturday night since I didn’t have my daughter and he proposed that we go dancing. I have never met a man who has asked me out to dance, I was all about it. I absolutely love to dance, my heart soared with excitement. Saturday I spent three hours going over what I was going to wear, should I curl my hair? Should I straighten it? Maybe I should get a manicure before hand, maybe I need to shave. No, don’t shave. Shaving leads to trouble. Just legs, just legs. I knew he always wore suits through our conversations so I decided on this little, sexy, short black dress.

He showed up at my door and I couldn’t completely hide what I was thinking or feeling, my emotions are always so clear through my eyes. He was tall, beautiful, dark, and incredibly well dressed. It was all I had in me not to rip my clothes off right then and there. He looked me up and down with a small hint of a smile on his lips and told me that I was so much more beautiful in person, and that he was pleasantly surprised and eager to show me off. That comment sent tingles up my spine.

We arrived at a local, semi-swanky bar, and he was a complete gentleman. He guided me in and out of his white BMW, opened doors for me, kept me within touching distance at all times and kissed my hand over and over again. We ordered drinks and I was pleased to see he was a scotch drinker, how can he get anymore manlier? Oh yeah, let’s not go into how hairy this man is and it was driving me insane. I have a strange attraction to manly, hairy, men. I stuck to the usual Vodka Cranberry and straight Vodka. Throughout the evening we laughed, talked way too much, and realized that we were the exact same person when it came to mingling and humor. We danced circles around people, bought drinks for random onlookers and made friends with those who looked bored out of their minds. We looked great together, danced well together, and the chemistry was out of this world. He said stupid shit like “Hey there, sir, how are you? Hey, yeah what’s your name? Eric? Awesome, hey Eric…You see this woman? Look at her. Tell me she isn’t one of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen?” “Yeah, she’s beautiful” “Eric, she’s gorgeous! Are we cute together? Would we make cute babies? Tell me. Could you see a little baby Muhammad in our future?” I looked at Eric with an embarrassed look on my face and finally just said “This is our first date”. He was absolutely shocked, He went on about how great we looked together, how compatible our sick humor was and so forth. I couldn’t help but laugh. Why was I so giddy around this person? Why did he affect me so? I barely knew him!

We decided to go to a different club/bar and we danced the night away. I couldn’t help but notice how many women stared at him, whispered about him, pointed. It made me feel so self-conscious. Am I worthy of a man who is so desired? Am I all he says that I am? Is this a hoax? We couldn’t stay away from each other and, finally, he kissed me on the dance floor. I was so shocked, relieved, excited. I let his lips take mine while his hand was at the small of my back and his  other hand on my cheek. The absolute most passionate kiss I’ve ever experienced. I backed away and held eye contact, I couldn’t control how I felt. This stranger took my emotions by the balls and completely twisted them into this ball of confusion. What was it about him? I couldn’t put my finger on it. The thought would peek into my mind and I would quickly shove it away. It’s too soon to worry, it’s too soon to care, just have fun. Just. Have. Fun.

I couldn’t help myself. Between all of the stolen kisses, spinning me around the dance floor, looking at no one else but me and holding hands I just couldn’t help but feel wanted and needed. Of course, I reminded myself that it’s always great at first, men always behave in the beginning. But, he was so real and raw. He was so blunt about everything and this feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach wouldn’t subside. The night was over and he drove me back to my place.

The next day we spent a little time together and he was still as fun as he had been the night before, except this time he acted like the cool guy. His nonchalant attitude was irritating and his rude sexual comments were uncalled for. When I called him out he explained that he liked the face I made when I was bothered by something so he said those things just to see that look on my face. Asshole. I left and didn’t hear from him for 2 days or so. He finally text me and reeled me in again for a short time before he didn’t talk to me again for two more days. The next Saturday I happened to not have my daughter once again and he asked if we could watch a movie. I obliged because I had nothing better to do, however, I spent that whole week wondering if he’d ever give me the time of day again. Venting about how much of a pig he is for leading me on, going on and on about how stupid I am for letting him make me feel like this. We watched the movie and it was awkward because my mind kept reminding me that he’s sending me mixed signals and something was fishy about him. He would tell me he liked me then not call me for two days, then he’d say it was because he was busy with the company and it was consuming him. I understood but a text wouldn’t kill him, right? The next week comes and he doesn’t talk to me for two more days. I decided to just ignore him and he finally sent me a text.

He needed to talk to me about something important. Oh God. We FaceTimed again.

“Hey, I have to talk to you about something serious. I know I’m like never serious but I’m being serious this time. I have to tell you something”

“Okay”

“Remember when I told you that I might move out of this area to a different area in California?”

“Yeah”

“Remember when I said that I had to go to Arizona to look at a business partner opportunity and when you asked me if I would ever move there I said no because it wouldn’t make sense?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Well, it looks like I’ll be moving to Arizona after all. I know I’ve been so distant and I’m really sorry about that. I was surprised when I met you and actually started to like you. It scared me because I don’t want to get attached if the possibility of moving is there. You know?”

“I see”

“Hey, seriously I didn’t know. I really do like you, but I have to move for the company. Right now, my business comes first. I’ll be moving this week. I could stay for another month but honestly I’m so anxious to start things over there I just can’t wait. You know how I am, I’m always all over the place I can’t sit still.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“wait, no, why? Ohhhh you’re gonna miss me aren’t you ? Yeeeah I know you’ll miss me”

“You know, it wasn’t that serious. I’ve only known you for two weeks after all. Drive safe, I hope it all works out. It’s a little fucked up that you would waste my time knowing that you were moving this whole time.”

“What?! No, I honestly didn’t know!”

“Yeah okay, I’m tired. Have a good night”

“Wait…!” *click*

I couldn’t keep my emotions together. I was angry, sad, defeated, frustrated. All of it. How dare he allow me to feel the way I did about him?! Why couldn’t he tell me from the beginning that he just wanted someone to go out with for the time being? Why allow me to tie my emotions to him? My mind is going fucking crazy right now with what ifs and psycho girl thoughts. My entire perspective on this is so fucked up. The poor guy took me out a couple of times and suddenly he had no right to leave because what? Because I actually felt something for him? That’s stupid. I’m stupid. Stupid and crazy. I’m always so guarded and when I let my guard down even just a little this happens. Is my self esteem so fucked up that I thought he’d be that person eventually? The guy to make me feel more? The one to change my thoughts on marriage and love? I fucking hate myself right now, I fucking hate dating, I fucking hate men and emotions and games. Stupid, stupid games.

I wish I could feel about him like I did the others when it didn’t work out. Next.

No, not next. I need to not date, I need to work on myself, I need to never let something like this happen again. Amidst all of the compatibility, the humor, the passion, his rough hands on my soft skin, his piercing eyes, his begging lips, his sick way of making me squirm in disgust…It was all bogus. Fake. Not real. Not mine. Not true.

All of it.

Update: motherfucking plot twist. I go to rent his old apartment because it was really cute and the landlord wanted to give me a break on it and guess what I find out? This fucking con artist has a wife and children. Stick that in your fucking pipe of life and smoke it. Why is my life a damned soap opera? Why meeee? I need a hobby that doesn’t include dating this is pathetic people !!!!! 

Lost.

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I’m lost.

I don’t understand what I want, what I need, where I’m going. I don’t get it. I’m usually so sure of myself, I usually know exactly where I’m headed. I always have a game plan, have a goal. I’m lost.

I just don’t know.

Sometimes I wake up in the loveliest mood, then suddenly I just don’t know how to feel. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m happy, I’m lost.

What do I want? Am I ready for a relationship? Have I been a good enough mother? I feel guilty. I feel at fault for all that is wrong in the world. I’m lost.

What am I like? Am I funny? Am I serious? Am I professional? Am I likable? Am I an asset? Do I contribute to society in a positive way? Am I pretty? Am I ugly? Am I fat? Am I just right? I’m lost.

I’m not worried about what other’s think of me, I’m worried about how I feel about myself.

I just don’t know.

Am I good at my job? Is this where I want to be? Is this what’s right for me? Maybe I’m not financially ready to keep living alone. Maybe I should move and save money. I’m lost.

How do people do it? How do people make enough for a new car, a new house, to wear the most expensive clothes, off of a minimum wage job? Surely I can do it. Can I? Why not? I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

Will my daughter want to go to college? Will she love me the way I love her? Will she abandon me at 18? Will she blame me for all that is wrong in the world? Does she realize how hard I try? Will she let me teach her everything I know? Will she be open minded? Will she be accepting? Will she know that the choices I make are for her well being? Will she be easily influenced by loose tongues? Will she let boys make her cry? Will she be independent? Will she be anything like me? God I hope not. I’m lost.

Is he right for me? Should I wait for someone to come along who makes me feel more? Is this settling? What does love feel like? What does the real thing really feel like? Am I just lonely? I’m lost.

Do I ramble? Do I talk too much? Do people listen? I’m a bit loud. I just can’t help it. Am I boring? Do I have good intentions? Should I go back to church? Do I truly believe in my religion? Where has my faith gone? It’s in there somewhere. God help me. I’m lost.

I just don’t know.

I’m lost.

Dating Chronicles Part 8 – Sorry Officer, I Lost My Brain

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Cops.

Serving our country town by town, doing what’s right, helping communities run as smoothly as possible, that’s what they’re here for right? Right. I was talking to one. I am in no way, shape or form a badge bunny. The fact that he was a cop wasn’t what turned me on, it was the fact that he was incredibly rugged. Actually, he ¬†was kind of an ass but so was I so it worked…For a while anyway. He was sweet with his words but dry with his actions, he kept me on this string that I couldn’t cut away. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me! It was like Brazilian voodoo. Nothing was physical about our relationship, all we ever did was talk and talk. He called me throughout the day, he text me, he always asked what I was doing.

Actually, now that I think about it, he was really controlling. If I didn’t answer the phone, text him back right away, or give him my absolute, undivided attention, he’d actually argue with me about it. If I explained that I was with my daughter, he’d complain further as if I’d give my time up with my daughter to talk to him. Dummy. He lived about 6 hours away from me and he didn’t mind coming up to visit as many times as he needed to, but that made me uncomfortable. I don’t care what anyone says, long distance relationships are just not for me. But…But….He was tall…And El Salvadorean…And handsome….And built just the way I like ’em….And he had great hair…And he’d probably be able to toss me around like a rag doll and spank me. Despite all of these things, he was still a friggin’ jerk. I was utterly disappointed.

We argued constantly, There was no such thing as a honeymoon stage for us and his reasoning was that he didn’t like to sugarcoat things, especially in the beginning so that he didn’t turn out to be a liar. He didn’t want everything to seem perfect at first and then blow up in our faces because we were both trying to impress each other the entire time. Pretty logical right? Sure, but why be a douche? It was the strangest thing, his actions didn’t match his words. He would say really sweet things to me but then he’d turn around and ignore me all day and not text me until the evening. Then once he did text me, he’d become upset if I didn’t have time to text him back right away.

Then he’d talk about how he couldn’t wait to have me move out there. What…The…Fuck did I just hear? I tried to explain to him that first of all, I would never tear my daughter away from my family. Second of all, we JUST started talking and ultimately I DO NOT CHASE MEN AROUND. He had no regard for my daughter whatsoever! He never asked about her, he grew bored when I talked about her, and he’d almost scoff when I’d hang up to be with my daughter. I don’t know why I wasted so much time on this guy, he was completely ridiculous. LUDICROUS!

I finally explained to him that I was wasting my time on someone who was the way he was and you know what he did? He turned it around and blamed it all on me. He was manipulative, aggressive (not the good kind) and completely out of line. He liked to throw his badge around and act like he was better than others because of it, even at work. He’d talk about the arguments he’d have at work and why he got so upset, it was all completely irrational. Everything was about him, at all times. If I had a bad day it was “Oh, well it happens to all of us”. If something horrible happened to me it was “Oh don’t be a cry baby”. Of course this was all towards the end of our extremely short “relationship”, “friendship” ,”courtship”, whatever the hell you want to call it. He made me feel small and insignificant and I tried my hardest to do the same back, which worked. At the end of the day he didn’t care and I didn’t either so we stopped talking.

It was extremely poisonous.

GOOD RIDDANCE!