I Used To Be You


I used to be you.

I used to be that girl who would walk around talking about how boring her life was. How things weren’t going anywhere with her boyfriend. How annoying he was. How college sucked. How lucky her friends are that they’re single. How the apartment wasn’t big enough, her car wasn’t nice enough, she didn’t make enough money.

“Why does he do that?”

“UGH I’m dreading school today”

“Gah he’s getting on my nerves”

After moving in together I would talk about him to my family. All I would tell them was the negative, so that when he did come around all they ever saw in him was the bad. We bought a beautiful home, we had it all. All I ever did was complain, complain, complain. The only thing I never complained about was when we had Victoria Isabel. She was the definition of perfection. She was a quiet baby and the only person in the world I couldn’t possibly grow tired of.

Until the day came, when all I had WAS my daughter. I lost everything that I had to complain about, and even though he really was a bad person and material things really don’t matter….It still sucked. Despite the fact that Victoria’s unconditional love kept me afloat, something was missing. She won’t be around me forever, to keep my head above water.

To keep me sane.

As a woman, something is just missing. My friends are all getting married and God am I happy for them. They have the kind of love people only dream of. They’ve finished school. They have their degrees.

I want my masters in Psychology. I want to be successful. I want to not need anyone to help me financially, ever. I want to be able to help my parents if they need it. I want to be able to pay for Victoria’s tuition….Because she won’t have a choice. I want to show my daughter, and young girls everywhere, that women who have struggled can make it. I want to own my own shit.

I want to be pestered, I want someone to smother me, I want someone to love me so much they become frustrated with me. It’s been 3 years and I want someone to talk shit to, to love, to pester, to become frustrated with. I want to nag him about putting his socks away, I want him to be my taste tester and laugh at me when something doesn’t come out right. I want take my time getting ready and hear his sighs of frustration as I curl my hair. I want to wake up to his nasty morning breath and kiss him anyway. I want to bicker about restaurant choices and wedding planning. I want to dance the night away and come home drunk together. I want him to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck as I do the dishes. I want to talk his ear off about my day. I want to make love to him and remind him of how much I love him in every way, shape, and form. I want him to love my daughter unconditionally, and treat her like his own. I want to have children together. I want to gang up on our children and show them that we’re a team. I want to post sappy pictures of us on Facebook and Instagram. I want to have corny photoshoots with bunny eared children and stupid orchard blossoms in the background. I want to grin stupidly while he kisses my forehead. I want to never tell a soul about our problems without resolving them first, then hear him gripe because I told my best aunt and best friend. I want to go camping together and watch him make fun of how anal I am about dirt. I want to meet his family. I want them to like me. I want mine to like him. I want to have a fucking pet even though I fucking hate pets. I want to wake him up at 6:30 in the morning with the vacuum and my Fado music. I want to sing my heart out and hear him tell me I have a beautiful voice even though I sound like a dying crow. I want to laugh at his ridiculous jokes, and bicker about who paid what bill. I want to post love quotes and blog about our endless, gross, starstruck love. I want to vent about work together over ice cold beer and dinner.

I want to stop fucking complaining.

I want you to stop fucking complaining.

If you have someone who loves you enough to stick around through all of your crap and he/she is good to you, then take the time to tell them you appreciate them. Don’t talk about the negative to all who will listen. Lift your partner up, make them feel loved and they’re sure to return the courtesy.

If you aren’t dead, starving, or blind…Appreciate all that you have and pray that it only gets better.

Positive vibes are what will get you by.


About amorefado

I am a mother of a gorgeous, intelligent, 9 year old daughter. I was raised in the Central Valley, California. My parents are immigrants from the Azores and I speak Portuguese (as well as Spanish) fluently. I've grown a lot in the last 4 years and I plan on doing a lot more of that. I love to laugh and make people laugh. I'm scatter brained. I'm 29, and I'm on a journey to find myself. I'm also here to entertain you with all of my randomness. You will love my posts or hate my posts, either way I write for myself.

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