Monthly Archives: March 2015

I Used To Be You

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I used to be you.

I used to be that girl who would walk around talking about how boring her life was. How things weren’t going anywhere with her boyfriend. How annoying he was. How college sucked. How lucky her friends are that they’re single. How the apartment wasn’t big enough, her car wasn’t nice enough, she didn’t make enough money.

“Why does he do that?”

“UGH I’m dreading school today”

“Gah he’s getting on my nerves”

After moving in together I would talk about him to my family. All I would tell them was the negative, so that when he did come around all they ever saw in him was the bad. We bought a beautiful home, we had it all. All I ever did was complain, complain, complain. The only thing I never complained about was when we had Victoria Isabel. She was the definition¬†of perfection. She was a quiet baby and the only person in the world I couldn’t possibly grow tired of.

Until the day came, when all I had WAS my daughter. I lost everything that I had to complain about, and even though he really was a bad person and material things really don’t matter….It still sucked. Despite the fact that Victoria’s unconditional love kept me afloat, something was missing. She won’t be around me forever, to keep my head above water.

To keep me sane.

As a woman, something is just missing. My friends are all getting married and God am I happy for them. They have the kind of love people only dream of. They’ve finished school. They have their degrees.

I want my masters in Psychology. I want to be successful. I want to not need anyone to help me financially, ever. I want to be able to help my parents if they need it. I want to be able to pay for Victoria’s tuition….Because she won’t have a choice. I want to show my daughter, and young girls everywhere, that women who have struggled can make it. I want to own my own shit.

I want to be pestered, I want someone to smother me, I want someone to love me so much they become frustrated with me. It’s been 3 years and I want someone to talk shit to, to love, to pester, to become frustrated with. I want to nag him about putting his socks away, I want him to be my taste tester and laugh at me when something doesn’t come out right. I want take my time getting ready and hear his sighs of frustration as I curl my hair. I want to wake up to his nasty morning breath and kiss him anyway. I want to bicker about restaurant choices and wedding planning. I want to dance the night away and come home drunk together. I want him to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck as I do the dishes. I want to talk his ear off about my day. I want to make love to him and remind him of how much I love him in every way, shape, and form. I want him to love my daughter unconditionally, and treat her like his own. I want to have children together. I want to gang up on our children and show them that we’re a team. I want to post sappy pictures of us on Facebook and Instagram. I want to have corny photoshoots with bunny eared children and stupid orchard blossoms in the background. I want to grin stupidly while he kisses my forehead. I want to never tell a soul about our problems without resolving them first, then hear him gripe because I told my best aunt and best friend. I want to go camping together and watch him make fun of how anal I am about dirt. I want to meet his family. I want them to like me. I want mine to like him. I want to have a fucking pet even though I fucking hate pets. I want to wake him up at 6:30 in the morning with the vacuum and my Fado music. I want to sing my heart out and hear him tell me I have a beautiful voice even though I sound like a dying crow. I want to laugh at his ridiculous jokes, and bicker about who paid what bill. I want to post love quotes and blog about our endless, gross, starstruck love. I want to vent about work together over ice cold beer and dinner.

I want to stop fucking complaining.

I want you to stop fucking complaining.

If you have someone who loves you enough to stick around through all of your crap and he/she is good to you, then take the time to tell them you appreciate them. Don’t talk about the negative to all who will listen. Lift your partner up, make them feel loved and they’re sure to return the courtesy.

If you aren’t dead, starving, or blind…Appreciate all that you have and pray that it only gets better.

Positive vibes are what will get you by.

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Dating Chronicles Part 7 – Mediocrity At It’s Finest….And I Loved It.

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“What are you passionate about?”

“Ummm I don’t know, the things I’ve bought for myself I guess. Like my motorcycles and stuff. Oh and family”

“Cool”

Silence

“So umm…What do you have planned for today?”

“Work……You?”

“Same”

And this is how each conversation went, everyday, for a month.

We’ll call him Chad since he had such a “Chad” type of personality. Remember the guy in Dating Chronicles Part 6 that I ended up liking over the actual subject of that blog? The one that decided he didn’t like ME making Karma my ultimate asshole redheaded stepbrother. Yeah, this is him. Chad was short, Portuguese, semi-handsome and had his shit together. The fact that he had his shit together was impressive since no one else seems to…Not even myself. He was really nice and was very careful not to ever hurt anyone’s feelings, which isn’t always a good thing. We talked for about a month, met a handful of times, mostly because I initiated the meeting. I tried to give him opportunities to see each other that he never took and our conversations were always so dull and short. He never asked me questions, never offered up information…Just nothing. One day he actually asked me if I’d like to make dinner together and watch a movie. ¬†I thought that was extremely sweet and I knew it’d be fun. Honestly, we did have a lot of fun only I kept having to pull for conversation. He always highlighted that he’s a laid back person and doesn’t talk much so I thought, you know, he’d open up eventually so I figured I’d be patient. At the end of the night he gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

That was it.

No funny business, no trying to get anything he knew he wouldn’t get, none of that. I absolutely adored it and respected him for that. I thought, this is the kind of person I could be around long term. He was family oriented, sweet, and even tempered. It contrasted my asshole-ness perfectly. One morning, he asked me what I was up to and I let him know that I was just hanging around since Victoria wouldn’t be home until later that day. He invited me over to breakfast at his house…While his entire family was there. I declined to do so since it was just too weird, however, I did let him know I could swing by after. When I stopped by two of his seven siblings were still there and I really hit it off with them. Super nice people, they seemed to like me, things were just fine. One of his sister’s works at my favorite local Starbucks and she had been hounding him about going out with me more and talking to me more because she just absolutely looooooved me even though I had no idea who she was, she sure remembered me. That could mean ANYTHING I’m so talkative.

One day, I invited him over to chat a bit before he had to go to this family function. I warned him that I live a very simple life, I have a small apartment, lightly decorated, and not at all what most Portuguese households look like. He just laughed and said it was fine until he finally came into my apartment and said “Wow this IS tiny!!”. Even though it made me feel inadequate, I laughed it off. He commented on how my apartment fits inside of his living room alone and went on and on until I finally just changed the conversation.

That’s when I realized how shallow and materialistic he was. He made me feel so small and unworthy. Why did I like this man as much as I did? He was self absorbed, boring and so superficial. There was no depth, no way of feeding my mind. He wasn’t romantic. He never complimented anyone. He never supported any accomplishment. He always said “I don’t have the patience for romance anymore”. I have no idea why I liked this man!

Suddenly, I didn’t hear from him for a few days. As any adult would, I called him out and asked if he was going to tell me to my face that he wasn’t interested in me or should I just assume he was thrown into a sea of molten lava by earth walking mer-people.

This is what I got:

“You’re right, I should have said something sooner and I’m sorry. You’re a really nice girl (elch), you’re pretty, you’re a great mom and a great person. You’re really cool to be around and overall you’re just awesome. I just thought I was going to fall for you right away and I didn’t. I’m sorry I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I figured we could at least be friends”

“Chad, this isn’t a fairy tale. People don’t just fall in love at first sight, you didn’t even try to get to know me. I have friends up to my ears, I don’t need friends. You can’t hurt my feelings I’m the devil.”

“Haha yeah maybe you’re right”

“Well I really hope you find that right person (so dramatic haha sorry). When you do, you need to do me a favor and actually try with her.”

“Yeah okay lol”

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.

Eh….I deserved it. NEXT