Monthly Archives: December 2014

The Dating Chronicles Part 4 – Close But No Cigar

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So I finally met someone outside of the internet, who actually approached ME and showed interest. What a miracle right? How pathetic was that sentence? Come on, be honest.

I met this man through a networking meeting that I go to every week for work, oh how professional we were in the beginning. He was polite, sweet, and extremely….Extremely shy. My networking group would poke and prod at me, “Come on, you should date him, he’s such a sweetheart and you two would be cute together”. I resisted over and over again, no, I’m not ready, no I’m not his type, he’s too shy, he’s too quiet, he’s a ginger, he has no soul, do I have enough soul for the both of us? I left it alone. For months I pondered the idea and finally gave it up knowing he wasn’t interested in me. We saw each other multiple times and our interactions were always cordial and short. God what is wrong with me? Am I that horrible? Do I smell funny? Or worse, am I that obnoxious and annoying that this man can’t even stand to talk to me for more than a few minutes? I had even been to his house during a networking get together and his mother loved me despite my inappropriate jokes and loud demeanor

One day there is talk of a Brewfest happening in the area and we agreed during the announcement that it’d be so much fun, I thought nothing of this. He messaged me on Facebook and I, yes I, offered my number without him asking for it. What am I thinking?! I don’t do these things, I don’t ask men for their numbers nor do I offer mine up like some philandering Jezebel. He’ll argue with you and tell you he asked me but he did no such thing, he did however, ask me to the Brewfest. We began texting everyday, all day long about anything and everything and it happened so quickly. Yes, this shy man opened up to me. He talked and talked and laughed and joked and made fun of me and talked shit and guess what, I loved every second of it. For the first time in a long time I didn’t get tired of his yapping, his corny jokes, or how nice he was to me. Normally I would’ve brushed all of these things off and passed it off as him just trying to “get it in”. Not this time. It was genuine. This man actually liked me and cared about me. He actually wanted to know what I was doing, how my day was, how my daughter is. That’s what got me. This 25 year old man who didn’t have children actually asked about my daughter. When I spoke about her for over half an hour he engaged in the conversation and laughed when it was appropriate, he was intrigued by this creature that  I made, especially because she’s mine.

How do you measure a man up to your expectations? You don’t. It is not your place to measure anyone up. However, this man met all of mine.. I recently went through a tragedy, my cousin killed himself and I was devastated. All I had to say to this man was that I was having a bad day and he immediately wanted to know what he could do for me, how he could help me, and how he could possibly make my day more bearable. He brought me a few of my favorite flowers, hydrangeas, and sat with me to listen to my rambling on and on about my day and my family and my pain. He didn’t grow tired of me, he didn’t sigh with relief when I stopped talking, he held my hand the entire time and told me I’d be okay. He hugged me, and not the patronizing side hug that douchebag’s give women when they don’t know what else to say or do…A real hug. He asked me to be his girlfriend and against my instincts I said yes. Two years of being single, I actually had a boyfriend. What drove this miracle? What convinced me? Was it because he’s nice? Or because he was safe?

Then he changed. He had never been in a REAL relationship and didn’t know how to keep up this fake persona because it wasn’t coming from him naturally. Every action, every word that came from him, came because he knew that’s what was expected. His whole life everything he did, he did because it was “right” not because it was what he really wanted to do or how he really felt. If I wasn’t with him on a weekend he wouldn’t even text me to check and see if I was alive, why? Because he was asleep the entire time, or so he claims. At 25, I can’t handle my significant other sleeping all day long or just laziness in general. We’re 25! Be spontaneous! Be spunky! Be REAL! I wanted to work on things so badly, telling myself I was being petty. The problem is I’ve been in a relationship where I would be ignored for weeks at a time when that person was irritated with me and I’m not okay with that. I will not tolerate it. I deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved unconditionally, and I deserve for someone to feel for me the way I feel for them. When you’re in love you feel like you can’t breath without that person, you feel like you could do anything for that person no matter what. I didn’t feel that for him, after all we were only together for 7 weeks. He, however, claimed that he was undoubtedly in love with me. How? He had no idea what he was talking about never having even been in a decent relationship. He mistook lust for love, he misread his emotions and put a random label on it. He said he trusted me because I was part of the networking group and everyone in the networking group is trustworthy. I’ve never met anyone so sheltered.

He’s really really nice. Just really really young. I don’t mean in age, I mean in all other aspects. When I broke it off with him he kept talking about how I was wrong and I’d regret it. How I had to justify my actions to myself not to him. See, this is a manboy who doesn’t know how to think for himself. The entire argument he was quoting song lyrics and movie lines like fucking clockwork. Like a fucking sociopath. None of it was him. What am I supposed to think? I tried to point out different things, a little bit of constructive criticism, he still didn’t care. He was perfect. I even gave him the opportunity to tell me what he didn’t like about me, oh no, he loved everything about me! I am just so amazingly perfect, like a goddess. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I am so far from perfect it’s sickening.However, I won’t settle for someone just because I feel inadequate. He made me feel small all the time. He has amazing parents who lifted him up his entire life, creating someone who really does feel superior. He craves acknowledgement constantly from his parents, even as an adult. He craves approval. He craves positive reinforcement and when he didn’t get that from me because he’s an ADULT, it bothered him.

What’s funny is, everyone who knows the two of us will blame me. They will ask how I could possibly do this to a boy who is so sweet and caring; who has a good head on his shoulders and blah blah fucking blah fuck you. He has a lot to learn about himself, about being in a relationship, and about being in a relationship with a WOMAN. I am not some adolescent looking for prince charming.

Some of you might be wondering why I’m so angry at this person when he seems like he’s a sweetheart he just has to grow up. I’m angry because he didn’t try to grow and learn. I’m angry because he can’t even tell me what his favorite color is, he just knows his mom likes blue on him. I’m angry because he didn’t make an effort to talk to my friends when he met them. I’m angry because he can’t even tell me why he likes me. I’m angry because all he could say was that he wanted to take care of me like I was some broken china doll. I’m angry because even though I sucked it up and met his entire family, he wouldn’t bother to get out of bed to meet mine. My entire family kept asking me to ask him over during a family function and after chewing on the idea for a while I decided it’d be a good idea. If things are gonna work out why shouldn’t he meet my daughter even though I was set on waiting a few more months? Why shouldn’t he meet my family, after all, I already met his. He couldn’t inconvenience himself to get up, get dressed, and go. He was “depressed” because his friends wouldn’t hang out with him. Sorry your friends won’t play in the sandbox, how about you come over and mingle it’ll make you feel better. Nope. No thanks. You do not fuck with Portuguese people!

That’s what offended me the most. How dare you not even try when my entire family is sitting right there waiting for a response? What’s worse, he actually thought his reasoning was valid. The man can’t even argue his thoughts properly, it never makes sense. His points are never valid, most of the time they don’t even relate to the argument at hand. I’m being harsh. I’m being mean. I’m being honest. Then when we were done rambling, he reacted just as I thought he would. He accepted it and blocked me from all social media. His actions following just confirmed my concerns, making it that much easier to move along. I’m not cut out to date sensitive men. I don’t even think I’m cut out to date most white men.

I’ll miss his family.

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Kate.

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Kate is a woman who is a hard, selfish and who has been through her fair share of turmoil. However, Kate was sweet once. There was a time in her life where she was compassionate, caring, and loyal. There was a time in her life where her children came first and all she ever knew was how to work and take care of her family. See, Kate grew up in a strict household and witnessed some traumatic things.

Kate’s first husband was angry and egotistical, staying true to the old school lifestyle he was accustomed to in his country, bleeding machismo through every pore of his body. “Where are you going?” “I’m going to do laundry, I’m done with dinner” “Sit the fuck down we’re not done here” “I really need to get laundry done, I have to get up early and I still have to bathe the little ones” *throws knife* Kate is bleeding. She walks upstairs to rinse off the blood and the little girl follows her. “Mommy.” “Mommy…What’s wrong?…Mommy….Mommy are you asleep?” The little girl runs downstairs. “Daddy I think mommy is dead” “Sit down, querida, eat.” Silence. Silence. Silence. Kate comes to and carries on with her evening as if nothing has happened.

She’s in this alone.

No one knows. No one would ever suspect.

How could it be possible? He’s a provider! He’s a good father!

“Querida, keep it down your father is sleeping. He has to work tonight” “Mommy, I’m just playing with my barbies” “KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE I NEED TO SLEEP, PORRA”  “I said keep it down you’re going to upset your father”

*storms out of bedroom* “DID I NOT SAY I’M TRYING TO SLEEP?!!! KATE DID I NOT TELL YOU TO KEEP THIS UNDER CONTROL?! “ *grabs little girl and throws her on the floor* “I don’t like talking this much…I need to sleep!” *stomps on her back* “I’m sorry daddy, I’m sorry!”

Every. Day.

One day Kate met a man who was different. A man who showed her that men should always treat women with respect and should never lay a hand on a woman. He was young but eager to keep Kate forever as long as she could find the courage to leave. So she did. Her husband broke into a million little pieces, forever regretting his decisions. Through the years, as he watched his daughters grow and become attached to another man, he cried himself to sleep. Wondering what could have been, what should have been. As Kate bore two more children with this man, the pieces began to pull themselves together. She didn’t care if they were struggling financially or if raising four girls was difficult; she just knew that things were better. The problem was Kate was already bitter from her first marriage and took it out on her new husband. Things began to change over time, they became more distant, she became angrier and angrier. Why do I feel this way? Why am I not happy? What do I do? How do I change? What’s wrong? All romanticism was gone, feelings were hurt, no one knew what happened or why things fell apart. They just did. They were a seemingly perfect family and suddenly, like most “perfect” families, things weren’t what they seemed.

Again, Kate met someone who was different. Younger. Easy to manipulate. Romantic. She knew she wasn’t going to last with this person as he had nothing to offer but she went for it anyway. A new adventure. What could I lose? My children are resilient, they’re used to change. It’s fine. He’ll do. Over the years Kate also tired of this manboy and decided that she was bored of playing with his head. He, like her two previous husbands, was shattered. He had no idea how to live without this woman and took up drinking. Kate was much more powerful than she thought, she never knew she could have such an impact on others and enjoyed the power she had.

Until one day she met her match. A man who was just as selfish as she was. A man who didn’t take any of her shit and threw it right back at her when necessary. Drama. Dependent. Annoying. Ignorant. He was everything a woman SHOULD NOT want. Yet Kate loved him. She was absolutely head over heels and she did not know why. She remembered the words her daughter once told her, “one day, you will meet someone who treats you just as you treated the others, and you won’t be able to leave. You’ll be stuck”. She was stuck. She found herself playing the on again off again game most sixteen year old couples play. She was so used to leaving and never going back. Why do I keep going back? She couldn’t understand her actions or her logic. There was no logic. Love isn’t logical, but she didn’t know that because she had never been in love before. Love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t feel wrong. Why was this so wrong? Too stubborn to ask for help, she stayed. Every family member from every corner telling her to leave. She had nothing to lose, why doesn’t she just leave? She can’t. This snake has coiled around her, making it hard for her to breathe and making it hard for anyone to break her free. She’s distanced herself from her daughters, her family, from anyone who has ever loved her. Even the second husband who has begged for her back time and time again.

She’s doomed and she knows it.

Don’t ever let a man change you, don’t ever let your feelings consume you so much that you don’t recognize yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror. YOU are in control.  Take care of yourself because no one else will. If you don’t want help, don’t take it. Realize when you DO need help. Be thankful for the GOOD people in your life. You’re doomed to repeat history if you don’t come to terms with it. Always put your children first.

Love hard, but always be self aware.

‘Tis the Season to be Selfish

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Oh the holidays. Give a little it’s the holidays. Volunteer it’s the holidays.

That poor man that has been standing on exit 215 for the past year, well, maybe you should give him some money. It’s the holidays after all.

Oh gosh, that little girl who hasn’t worn a jacket all winter. It’s Christmas time, maybe I should give her some of my child’s old jackets.

Toys for Tots!

Feed the poor!

Soup kitchens!

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Christmas!! GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE RECEIVE GIVE!

Hey assholes. Did you know that these people you’re giving to, need it just as bad, all year around? Did you know that the hungry child in your kid’s class is hungry all of the time…Yes *gasp* even in June! Did you know that feeding that man’s addiction on exit 215 is not only hurtful to him, but a waste of your money. Why not try giving to shelters? Why not try giving to organizations that help those in need? Get this, you can actually donate ALL YEAR LONG! I know right? MIND BLOWN! Why do you feel compelled to give ONLY during this time of year? Is it because you feel guilty that you’re giving/receiving all of these gifts and eating all of this yummy food when there are people who don’t even know what it feels like to wake up to the aroma of a fresh Christmas tree? Is it because you’re children won’t settle for just one gift, or because of the faces they make when they open up their gift and it’s JUST socks?

Whatever the reason, you’re doing it wrong.

I understand that it’s most important during Christmas because these children, these adults who are without, deserve to have a great Christmas. I agree with that 100%. However, my concern are those who won’t volunteer all year long but feel compelled to do so only during this time. How about you don’t buy your 2 year old an iPad and split that money between 6 different school children who need backpacks in August? How about instead of you buying your 10 year old $100 miss me jeans, try buying 10 pairs of normal jeans for a few children. Now that’s an idea! I try my best to volunteer my time and efforts throughout the entire year, and I understand that not everyone has the time to do that. I just don’t understand how warped people’s perceptions are.

Well, I work for my money, so my kids deserve the best! Yes, maybe you do, and yes, maybe they do.

Count your blessings. That man you see talking to himself while walking down the street with holes in his pants and an ashy grey t-shirt that used to be white, might not be what you think he is. Most people who see homeless people automatically think “uneducated” “poor family background” or whatever else. Guess what? Some of those people have degrees! Some of these people are qualified enough to be YOUR boss. Things happen in life that we can’t always explain and wana know something else? It can happen to YOU, or YOU’RE precious spoiled children. If your child was on drugs or homeless wouldn’t you pray for someone to help them? If you didn’t play your cards right and got a shitty hand, wouldn’t you hope to get some help yourself?

Teach your children that life isn’t just a rainbow shitfest, there are people out there who are actually hurting. Teach your children how to be selfless, and appreciate what they have. My child is going through a spoiled brat stage that my family has sucked her into and I’m desperately trying to pull her out because that is not the way I want to raise my child. SHE. DOES. NOT. KNOW. HOW. TO. BE. POOR. I was raised way differently than she’s being raised and I’m not sure I’m okay with that as far as reality checks go. I do not want a sheltered child, I want her to know that she will NOT always be happy and she will NOT always have the best things (especially in college). However, she will always know that I’m trying to make life as enjoyable as possible for her.

We’ll be sorting all of her toys out and limiting her to ten toys instead of the 600 she has in her closet and giving only the GOOD toys to children in need. Her clothes always go to a good cause and when she asks me why that little boy in her class is always filthy and stinky, I’ll tell her EXACTLY why because it is NOT okay to judge others. She’s five years old and already has more sense than most of the adults I know.

All I ask is that you remember others, even when it isn’t Christmas.