Act Natural

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We’ve all heard this term, this verb-complementary, this common phrase…Have you ever consciously told yourself to do so? Have you ever actually had to convince yourself to keep it together? How about every morning? I’m sure we’ve all been there before.

“Why have you been so distant?”

“Why do you look irritated?”

“Why don’t you smile?”

“I don’t want anyone to know about your problems, it’s embarrassing”

“Maybe you shouldn’t go to that festa, people will talk about it” 

“He’s in the paper, that’s embarrassing, aren’t you embarrassed? I mean, you                                      brought her into the house”

Act natural, act natural, act natural. Maybe they’re right, maybe you need to keep it together, maybe it was your fault. No it isn’t, that’s stupid. He did it. I didn’t pull it out for him. Is family supposed to treat each other this way? Maybe I shouldn’t go. Maybe they will talk. Maybe they’ll ask me. What if they ask me? What do I say? Should I just ignore it? Should I explain it? Should I cry? Should I scream? Should I carry on with my beer in my hand?

Act natural, act natural, act natural. 

“Don’t you feel bad? I mean, he’s your daughter’s father?”

“What will you do? You’ll no longer receive child support”

“What will you tell your daughter?”

“He just didn’t seem like the type ”

“Do you REALLY think that’s what happened?”

“It’s been 2 years, why are you still single?”

“Are you still friends with her?!” 

“Why is it bothering you so much, I mean, it’s not like it had anything to do with you”

Act natural, act natural, act natural. Should I tell my daughter about this? When will that even be appropriate? What if she asks about him? Of course I think it happened. I know it happened. Obviously, he’s the type. I work. Maybe I need another job? Maybe a second job? Maybe I need to ask for a raise. Maybe I need government assistance. No we’re not friends. It’s awkward. Did he feel bad? Should I feel bad? Should I forgive? Should I forget?

Should I, should I, should I.

Act natural, act natural, act natural.

It’s difficult to have to constantly remind yourself to feel, to live, to go through the motions. The only thing keeping you functional is the motions you have to go through day to day. Focus on these motions, focus on what’s important. Look ahead, don’t look back. Things will be just fine. God doesn’t hand anything to you that you can’t handle. Who actually tells themselves that things will be just fine, and believes it? Who believes that shit?! No me, not I, not today.

Wake up. Brush your teeth. Put your shoes on. No, not those shoes. Victoria needs new pants. Shit, rent is due. Why are you still shirtless? You’re late. Straighten your hair. God, you’re getting fat. You’ve been prettier. Were they prettier?  Put your makeup on at work, there’s no time. Victoria, wake up. Remember to take her to school. Remember to pick her up. Remember to drop her off at Avo’s. Go to work. Sign that contract. E-mail that form. Don’t forget to eat. What does she want now? Leave a voice mail. They need to make an appointment. No, I’m sorry, I’m busy at the moment. Eat. Don’t forget to eat. Hey, water, you haven’t had water. Sex…Sex would be nice. He’s cute. Is he a pig too? I’d bet he is. Focus. Maybe I need help. Yes, yes, that kind of help.

Act natural, act natural, act natural.

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About amorefado

I am a mother of a gorgeous, intelligent, 7 year old daughter. I was raised in the Central Valley, California. My parents are immigrants from the Azores and I speak Portuguese (as well as Spanish) fluently. I've grown a lot in the last 4 years and I plan on doing a lot more of that. I love to laugh and make people laugh. I'm scatter brained. I'm 27, and I'm on a journey to find myself. I'm also here to entertain you with all of my randomness. You will love my posts or hate my posts, either way I write for myself. I am infatuated with music and unicorns (I own socks people, socks). I'm a huge asshole who loves everyone and cries about things that probably don't matter to anyone else.

2 responses »

  1. I read the article about him.

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Seriously. You made the right decisions (difficult at that), and I know it’s not easy to ignore the unwarranted crticism (from family no less). People, too often, forget to realize that others are human. We make mistakes. Bad things happen. Life is complicated.

    I just want you to know that, despite our petty past, I will stand with you if and when you need it. Promise. No bullshit.

    Like

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