As stated prior to this post, I’ve been single for almost two years. Victoria’s father and I were together for five years and we had it all. A gorgeous home, good jobs, a beautiful child and we loved each other…or so we thought. I quickly fell out of love with him due to numerous circumstances; maybe I was never in love, maybe the age difference of 13 years had something to do with it. I still can’t pinpoint one solid reason why. Emotionless sex, disrespect, cheating, lying, fighting, acting, fronting, ugly, cold, confusion. Why, why, WHY, WHY?!!!
All I know is all of my worse nightmares were realized in 2012 when I found out he slept with my friend in my home while I was asleep with our daughter. Oh wait, I’m sorry let me rephrase that…He raped my friend in my home while my daughter and I were asleep. Yes, he was officially convicted yesterday. This is a man who has never broken a law in his entire a life, a man who has never called me a name or yelled at me until I left him. This is also a man who thinks he can get away with whatever the hell he well damn pleases, who believed that he could treat the mother of his daughter, for two years following the incident, like filth. His family has treated me as if this entire situation was my fault. Typical Portuguese mentality, I brought her home so I put him in that situation. Let me ask you this…
…What would have happened if my daughter decided to have a slumber party down the line. Teenage girls in our home for an entire 24 hours. Would it be my daughter’s fault if he raped one of her friends? Or better yet, what if I slept with one of his friends during a get together at our home? Would it then be his fault for bringing friends over and putting me in that situation ? FUCK your double standards. FUCK your judgements. No one has any idea of what I went through or what I’m currently going through. We all have our demons, but I will never sit here and pretend that I understand someone else’s situation. My own family turned against me, telling me that I shouldn’t agree with his going to jail due to not being able to recieve child support. What the fuuuuuuck?! What is wrong with these people ?! I would rather eat worm infested fertilizer than take one more penny from that sorry excuse of a man. Again, that Portuguese mentality is a real winner.
My heart aches for my daughter, but I am glad that I am able
to have full custody and that justice has been served. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m still hurt. I have people asking me if I’ll let her visit her father in prison and then telling me I’m a horrible mother when I say “no”. I refuse to allow my daughter to see her father in that situation. I refuse to allow my daughter’s opinion of her father to be hindered in any way, shape, or form. In her eyes he is still her hero, her confidence boost, her daddy.
I have grown and changed over the last few years, I just don’t know if it’s for the better.
Everyone makes mistakes, however, not everyone learns from them. I just hope for Victoria’s sake, he’s the exception.
I’ve learned, I’ve loved, I’ve hated…I just can’t seem to forgive.