Monthly Archives: September 2014

The Dating Chronicles Part 1

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I know many people who have found the love of their life through online dating. Whether it be POF, Match.com, Christianmingle.com, or any other app and website out there. They’ve found what everyone is looking for and what everyone dreams of having, right at their fingertips. This concept is relatively new and still stigmatized despite how popular it is.

I decided to try it.

For a few months I went on a dating spree, 10 dates, 2 months, 10 different men. I have to say, it was absolutely exhausting. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to see coffee again. These were all men I met online and they were all so different from each other. Each more psychologically fucked up than the previous, it was entertaining to say the very least. I don’t know what I was looking for or what I expected, I just know none of them worked out. I don’t know if I’m too picky, or if I’ve been through so much that I just can’t settle again. The bottom line is I’m not only dating and screening for myself, but for my daughter.

Jason – Tall, dark, handsome, and muscular. Very, very attractive, beautiful smile, glistening eyes. Problem? He was still in love with his ex wife which I can understand but instead of focusing on someone new….Why isn’t he fixing his relationship with his wife? He brought her up the entire date, didn’t pay for my meal, nor did he open the door for me when we walked into the restaurant. BYYYYEEEEEE

David – Chubby, not very cute, but hey I was hoping for a little personality. Was he funny? Charming? Sweet? Caring? NO. He was gross, rude, and he tried to hold my hand/kiss me during our first meeting. UMMMMM? HEEELLLOOO? Apparently he figured I was easy because I’m a mom. Excuse me while I choke you with your hookah you bastard.

Eddie – Oh Eddie. Eddie was really handsome, I mean this man had a beautiful face. Tall, a little on the heavier side, and really reeeeaaalllly funny. Eddie would drive 40 minutes to see me on my lunch or take me out to dinner. We did that about 7 times and I thought it was going well. He had a really sweet son and we always talked about our kids so it was always comfortable. Then one day…KAPOOF! Never heard from him again until about 4 months later. Suddenly he wants to hang out and what do I say? “What happened, she dumped you?” SEE YA! I’m nobody’s fool!

Greg – Greg had a shaky past and overcame his past by dedicating himself to help troubled youth. Presh, right? He wasn’t that great looking but he was nice to be around and he was really nerdy which I tend to like. We went out a few times and I even let him take me to watch Mariza, one of my favorite Fado singers, perform. Never have I missed a Portuguese man as much as I did that evening. He also stopped talking to me out of nowhere and come to find out he’s with his ex again. It’s okay, I can never trust a man who uses the “gun” gesture with his hand and pulls the trigger when he’s making a point. *shutters*

George – To all of you who know me, not my best friend George. This was a completely different, grimy George. George was a gamer, I mean….Disgustingly so. He had towers upon towers upon towers of video games, he wrote for them, he breathed them, he ditched work for them. He had dainty gamer hands and ugly feet. He also loved his cats and his house smelled of disgusting urine and feces because he was filthy. We went out a few times because he actually did have a wonderful personality. He had horrible hygiene though and I just couldn’t get past that. His breath reeked, he never showered, and he admitted to this. He also prided himself in being an asshole which I didn’t really witness until I realized he was dating like 6 women at once. I stopped talking to him…One of his precious cats ran away. Oh the guilty pleasure when I found that out.

Todd – Todd had an adorable 4 year old son….How do I know this? Because he brought him to our first meeting. In my opinion you should never introduce your children that early because people are psyyyyychos! He was eager to meet my daughter and not the nice kind of eager…The creepy kind.

Stan – Stan drove 2 hours to meet me. He had pretty blue eyes and a good job. He loved to talk about himself and he expressed his love for his 3 year old son over….And over…And over again. Oh and over. He was incredibly bland and I literally couldn’t stand sitting there for another second so I cut the coffee meeting short. I felt bad that he drove that long to meet me but he made it very clear that he really, truly, had nothing better to do.

Robert – Robert text me during my date with Stan and asked me if I wanted to meet for coffee. I had more than my fair share of coffee that day but I decided to go and I met with him an hour after my meeting with Stan. Robert was so drab that I don’t even remember our meeting, I just know I was so unimpressed that I never called him again.

Xavior – Xavior was an ex colossal, lost all this weight and gained a whole lot of self confidence. He rode motorcycles, had two children, and was bald. I’ve never dated anyone who was bald before. He was very ambitious and I admired that about him, he seemed very interested and I warmed up to the idea of going on another date with him even though he was oh so full of himself. We text’d for a few days after that and I never heard from him again.

Mekki – Uber nerdy, tall, pretty smile. Mekki embodied everything I thought I would never be interested in. But I was. We went on about 3 dates separated by weeks and weeks of texting/talking. He had a daughter and a horrible relationship with his ex-wife. He still lived with his parents and was JUST getting into working a job at the age of 28. He admitted to me that he was always carried along by his parents and he’s just learning how to be independent. Sorry Chah-lee….Turn off.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m the problem, maybe I should just let fate take it’s course. I just don’t go out often enough to meet anyone and men in the valley do not approach women, what is the problem here? They’ll gawk, make gestures, talk to their friends about you, but they will never pursue you unless you look like Malibu Barbie on steroids. Guess what assholes? Malibu Barbie can’t cook, clean, nor does she have child bearing hips!

 

I am enticing dammit! JUST LOVE ME!

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Don’t Just Post It…Do It!!!

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In a world based off of social media sites, it’s inevitable that I mention something that I’ve noticed a lot lately on social media sites. People ranting and raving about something or other; going on and on about issues, re-posting, liking, asking for likes, begging for likes, do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t you hate the government? Like if you love Jesus, like if you hate cancer, like if you hate Michelle two streets down.

I am guilty of this, you are guilty of this, we are all guilty of this.

Why aren’t we doing? Why aren’t we donating our money to Children’s Hospital instead of “liking” the picture of the little bald girl with sad eyes, completely aware of what might become of her? Why aren’t we going to church instead of sharing pictures of Jesus; and even though Michelle two streets down might be a bit of a slut and she’s sleeping with your dad, why don’t we tell that bitch Michelle that she’s…Well…A bitch? Better yet, why don’t we just leave Michelle alone because you want to be the better person. Why should your relationship be “Facebook Official” for it to be real? Why has not posting this on Facebook ended relationships?

I understand the fact that all of these “shares” and “likes” are raising awareness. I understand that these “likes” and “shares” are worth it if they get just even one person to donate, or contribute their time, or speak up. My question is…Why haven’t you done any of these things? It is not okay for you to feel validated just by clicking a button. It is not okay for you to pretend that you’re oh so religious and worthy, when you don’t even think about your faith until you’re “sharing”. It is not okay to pretend you like people when you obviously don’t.

How about my favorite posts?

  • My boyfriend is a lying, cheating, worm….I love my boyfriend, bitches be trippin trynna take him away from me.
  • This drought is ridiculous! I couldn’t even go to the lake this weekend because of it UGH!…I just took a two hour shower, it felt soooo amazing OH EM GEE!
  • Wow, so much for having friends. When you need them they’re not even there for you…LEEEEET’S PARRRRTTTYYYY, out with my girlies *winkity winky wink wink wink wink*

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  • Your boyfriend IS scum and he IS sleeping with all of these people and you SHOULD gain some self respect and leave the idiot instead of blaming all of the women he’s sleeping with who may not even know he has a girlfriend.
  • This drought issue is getting out of hand as we all know, but why haven’t we been doing our part to conserve? There is no reason for you to keep watering your lawn all day and night or letting your children play in the sprinklers. What are you doing in the shower for that long anyway? Whatever it is, I’m sure it can be done elsewhere because you’re certainly not BATHING.
  • You’re just as fake as you think your friends think you think they think you think they are.

YEAH I SAID IT.

We all post on social media, we all gripe, we all feel totally dissatisfied with our lives at some point. What are we doing to improve ourselves, our lives, our situations? These are all questions you should ask yourselves, and these are all questions that I have been asking myself lately.

I need to work out, I need to go back to school, I need to make more money, I need to support my daughter better financially, I need to stop being so damn hateful, I need to stop worrying about social media, and I need to stop worrying about other people’s lives.

We need to stop being a generation that sits back and watches…We need to be a generation that knows how to get our point across. There are so many of you who DO take the extra steps to actually make a difference and it is appreciated and noticed. Nothing is impossible.

Don’t just post it…Do it.

National Working Parents Day

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Kindergarten. Untied shoelaces, runny noses, lice, dirty fingernails, noise, color, letters, torn jeans, sharing, and snack time.

My daughter is now in Kindergarten.

I cannot believe how fast she’s growing, I know parents always say this, but my gosh does time fly. Every day I drop her off at my grandmother’s house, go to work, pick her up, get her ready for school, drop her off at school, go to work, pick her up from school, drop her off at my grandmother’s, go to work, pick her up and go home.

Every…Single…Day.

Exhausting, right? It is. It’s also rewarding. Having my daughter run to me every day with a new story, a new tale, a new letter learned, hair a mess…All of these things make my daily struggle worth it. She’s opened up so much since school started; my once shy, strawberry blonde toddler is now this vivacious, outspoken character of a child. So open to learning and making new friends, so open to sharing her experiences and helping her peers.

We as parents work hard to try and raise our children in a way that will benefit not only them….But society. What are you doing to help your child? Sit down and think. Everything you say and do is being monitored by your child. Everything you teach your child WILL stick, whether you believe it or not. Are you teaching them their manners? Or how to share? Or how to be less selfish? I’m a single mother who works full time. Not to say that my day-to-day routine is any more complicated than anyone else’s…But damn is it hectic. Yet, I still try to find the time to show my daughter that I’m present. Yes, physically, emotionally, mentally and dutifully present. I’ve witnessed some parents going through the motions of raising their children…It is not enough to just exist people! Give yourself a reason to exist! Give people a reason to know you exist! Most of all give your child a reason to be happy about your existence and speak kindly of you for a lifetime!

On the other end of the spectrum, there are those parents who try too hard. Don’t make a mess, don’t get dirty, be quiet, stop singing, you talk too much, blah blah blah blaaaah blah! Your children will eventually shut you out for micromanaging. If you yell too much, they’ll shut you out. If you gripe too much, they’ll do things to terrorize you. It’s okay to let your children get a little dirty, it’s okay for them to make a mess in your home (they can clean it up themselves later), and it’s okay for your children to express themselves. This whole concept of “children are to be seen and not heard” is pure, steaming, bullshit. Encourage your children, you’re on their team.

All of the above are things that I had to learn during my self reflection period. Every action that I take, is taken with my daughter in mind. None of us are perfect, nor should you strive to be perfect. However, you should always strive to be BETTER.

After all, there’s a sponge staring up at you.

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Act Natural

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We’ve all heard this term, this verb-complementary, this common phrase…Have you ever consciously told yourself to do so? Have you ever actually had to convince yourself to keep it together? How about every morning? I’m sure we’ve all been there before.

“Why have you been so distant?”

“Why do you look irritated?”

“Why don’t you smile?”

“I don’t want anyone to know about your problems, it’s embarrassing”

“Maybe you shouldn’t go to that festa, people will talk about it” 

“He’s in the paper, that’s embarrassing, aren’t you embarrassed? I mean, you                                      brought her into the house”

Act natural, act natural, act natural. Maybe they’re right, maybe you need to keep it together, maybe it was your fault. No it isn’t, that’s stupid. He did it. I didn’t pull it out for him. Is family supposed to treat each other this way? Maybe I shouldn’t go. Maybe they will talk. Maybe they’ll ask me. What if they ask me? What do I say? Should I just ignore it? Should I explain it? Should I cry? Should I scream? Should I carry on with my beer in my hand?

Act natural, act natural, act natural. 

“Don’t you feel bad? I mean, he’s your daughter’s father?”

“What will you do? You’ll no longer receive child support”

“What will you tell your daughter?”

“He just didn’t seem like the type ”

“Do you REALLY think that’s what happened?”

“It’s been 2 years, why are you still single?”

“Are you still friends with her?!” 

“Why is it bothering you so much, I mean, it’s not like it had anything to do with you”

Act natural, act natural, act natural. Should I tell my daughter about this? When will that even be appropriate? What if she asks about him? Of course I think it happened. I know it happened. Obviously, he’s the type. I work. Maybe I need another job? Maybe a second job? Maybe I need to ask for a raise. Maybe I need government assistance. No we’re not friends. It’s awkward. Did he feel bad? Should I feel bad? Should I forgive? Should I forget?

Should I, should I, should I.

Act natural, act natural, act natural.

It’s difficult to have to constantly remind yourself to feel, to live, to go through the motions. The only thing keeping you functional is the motions you have to go through day to day. Focus on these motions, focus on what’s important. Look ahead, don’t look back. Things will be just fine. God doesn’t hand anything to you that you can’t handle. Who actually tells themselves that things will be just fine, and believes it? Who believes that shit?! No me, not I, not today.

Wake up. Brush your teeth. Put your shoes on. No, not those shoes. Victoria needs new pants. Shit, rent is due. Why are you still shirtless? You’re late. Straighten your hair. God, you’re getting fat. You’ve been prettier. Were they prettier?  Put your makeup on at work, there’s no time. Victoria, wake up. Remember to take her to school. Remember to pick her up. Remember to drop her off at Avo’s. Go to work. Sign that contract. E-mail that form. Don’t forget to eat. What does she want now? Leave a voice mail. They need to make an appointment. No, I’m sorry, I’m busy at the moment. Eat. Don’t forget to eat. Hey, water, you haven’t had water. Sex…Sex would be nice. He’s cute. Is he a pig too? I’d bet he is. Focus. Maybe I need help. Yes, yes, that kind of help.

Act natural, act natural, act natural.

WARNING!!! Debbie Downer Post!!! WARNING!!!

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As stated prior to this post, I’ve been single for almost two years. Victoria’s father and I were together for five years and we had it all. A gorgeous home, good jobs, a beautiful child and we loved each other…or so we thought. I quickly fell out of love with him due to numerous circumstances; maybe I was never in love, maybe the age difference of 13 years had something to do with it. I still can’t pinpoint one solid reason why. Emotionless sex, disrespect, cheating, lying, fighting, acting, fronting, ugly, cold, confusion. Why, why, WHY, WHY?!!!

All I know is all of my worse nightmares were realized in 2012 when I found out he slept with my friend in my home while I was asleep with our daughter. Oh wait, I’m sorry let me rephrase that…He raped my friend in my home while my daughter and I were asleep. Yes, he was officially convicted yesterday. This is a man who has never broken a law in his entire a life, a man who has never called me a name or yelled at me until I left him. This is also a man who thinks he can get away with whatever the hell he well damn pleases, who believed that he could treat the mother of his daughter, for two years following the incident, like filth. His family has treated me as if this entire situation was my fault. Typical Portuguese mentality, I brought her home so I put him in that situation. Let me ask you this…

…What would have happened if my daughter decided to have a slumber party down the line. Teenage girls in our home for an entire 24 hours. Would it be my daughter’s fault if he raped one of her friends? Or better yet, what if I slept with one of his friends during a get together at our home? Would it then be his fault for bringing friends over and putting me in that situation ? FUCK your double standards. FUCK your judgements. No one has any idea of what I went through or what I’m currently going through. We all have our demons, but I will never sit here and pretend that I understand someone else’s situation. My own family turned against me, telling me that I shouldn’t agree with his going to jail due to not being able to recieve child support. What the fuuuuuuck?! What is wrong with these people ?! I would rather eat worm infested fertilizer than take one more penny from that sorry excuse of a man. Again, that Portuguese mentality is a real winner.

My heart aches for my daughter, but I am glad that I am able
to have full custody and that justice has been served. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m still hurt. I have people asking me if I’ll let her visit her father in prison and then telling me I’m a horrible mother when I say “no”. I refuse to allow my daughter to see her father in that situation. I refuse to allow my daughter’s opinion of her father to be hindered in any way, shape, or form. In her eyes he is still her hero, her confidence boost, her daddy.

I have grown and changed over the last few years, I just don’t know if it’s for the better.

Everyone makes mistakes, however, not everyone learns from them. I just hope for Victoria’s sake, he’s the exception.

I’ve learned, I’ve loved, I’ve hated…I just can’t seem to forgive.

Patience young grasshopper…

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…I’m new to this. Like really new…Like….I have no idea where to start but I need to do this in order to clear out my mind and my soul. Let’s start with…My name’s Irene. I’ll dedicate this post to writing about myself so that you, as my reader, can understand where I’m coming from in my future posts. So that you, as my reader, will accept the fact that I am a hot mess. So that you, as my reader, will realize that this is real, that I have really no idea where I’m at in life and where I’m going. My posts will vary in topics. They will range anywhere from my past, my future, my present. They will be short, long, sad, happy, judgmental, compassionate, and everything in between.

Let’s Begin

1. I’m 25 going on 60

2. My daughter’s name is Victoria…She’s 5 going on 16 and this is no joke.

3. I’ve been single for 2 years and it isn’t bothering me as much as I thought it would.

4. My favorite color is burgundy

5. I love to read but I’m horrible at writing. My grammar isn’t up to par nor is my vocabulary. English is my second language….Fuck you.

6. I went from being 230 lbs to 160 lbs now back to 190 lbs and am working on it

7. I have a tiny…I mean teeny…Group of friends

8. I’m 100% Portuguese and I speak 3 languages

9. I’m the Director of Sales at a Marriott and I love my job

10. Blogging is something that I’ve wanted to do ever since I was a teenager. I’m not sure why I never started it.

11. I fell in love with a drug addict once

12. I have absolutely no self confidence, but that’s okay, that can change

13. I love the beach, art, photography, my cell phone, and Facebook

14. I love Music more than all of these things. I am, indeed, a music snob.

15. I make decent money and am broke all of the time. Broke doesn’t equal happy to me.

16. I have 3 younger sisters…I only really like one and a half of them.

17. I love to meet new people, especially if I’m networking.

18. I’m loud, obnoxious, and talkative. Yet, I can’t stand in front of a crowd and speak….I have horrible stage fright. No one believes me when I say this but it is very much true.

19. I’ve ran out of facts because I’m boring but I need to make it to 20 to settle my OCD.

20. Fin.

I don’t have any followers yet, but who knows, I might soon.images